Day 104: In terms of seeking peace

Feeling tired, yet wired
Listening to Charlotte McKinnon - Love for Sale
It's 5:10 AM
Summer has officially started

So it's five in the morning, and I haven't yet been able to get even a wink of sleep. Whether it be the can of sugar-free Red Bull I drank over six hours ago or just another one of those restless nights, I don't know.

I bike my way back from the library, and I get myself ready to sleep away... but, just like he did in the past, this monster comes back to haunt me again. This monster, this part of me, always does the same thing... taking me through the same ordeal over and over again.

He: You know that you could have had different results.

I nod.

He: You know you could have had better results.

I fidget.

He: You always look back at the past and...

I: And I wish things could be different. I know, I kn-

He: Always.

I: Stop it.

He: This is who you are.

I fail to form a response.

He: You can't accept who you are. You don't want to.

I don't know what to say.

He: You are always like this. Why can't you get real?

I: Because... I am a dreamer?

He: So you are?

Silence.

He: You don't know who you are.

I: I don't know who I am.

He: Bwahaha! You lose, son, you lose.

I don't know if anyone else goes through something similar to this every now and then. I always have a tough time going through this issue, and I can't seem to find those people that make me forget about all those life problems and hide under their inspiring, empowering aura.

Oh, God.... seriously. It feels like I don't know who I am anymore. I came to this thinking, believing, maybe even fooling myself to do so that I'm going to be someone new, a reborn.

Does change in time mean a change in who we are?

What about change in our surroundings?

Can we ever change who we really are? Or are we forever stuck with this sense of self for the rest of our lives?

Mad. Mad.