Day 159: Surmounting to What?

Feeling a little inconspicuous
Listening to the fan blowing in my room
It's 2:50 AM

It's been over five months. Long, strenuous months. Months of hard work, sweat and blood. Months of tears and laughter, and months of both joyous times and agonizing hardships.

I was carrying my plate over to the beverage stand last evening. On another stroke of luck, I managed to catch a glimpse of a rarely observed sad and haggard face of an aging man working as part of the clean up crew in the dining hall.

It's one of those moments where you see something for what it really is, and you can't help but let that momentous snapshot of whatever you saw smash you and break you.

I don't want to go advertise my problems or publicize my issues, but I just feel the need to write here in this dusty space that: YES! I do have problems, and they are quite serious.

I have a hard time figuring out who I really am, and although I may seem pretty self-confident and generally independent and happy, one should know not to judge a book by its cover.

I don't know, I don't know, and I don't know. I keep telling this to myself, but I feel that a time will come when I will be able to identify myself and accept that person as (my name) .

But let's have an honest talk here.

I don't like it here.

I don't like it here.

I feel like I'm caving in, and it's not going to be long before I reach the limit on my ability to be self-sufficient. I miss my home, and I miss the good days, but this is the now, right?

So they say that all men should appear to be strong, indifferent, dominant, humorous, unpredictable, and etc., but is that for real? I guess it has to be. People don't want to be with those who are insecure, needy, clingy, weak wussies. Ha! Fuck.

Michelle told me that I should stop holding my thoughts to myself. But what the hell?? Does that even make sense? I guess it has to.

I am more screwed up than I thought I was.

I don't know who to turn to, where to turn to, what to turn to.

Yes, drinking your sorrows away can be of good, but it doesn't solve any problems. But what gives? Who really wants to hold onto their problems when they can't do anything about it?