Day 187: Haters Anonymous Pt II

So it might seem to you that this love/hate relationship between Middlebury College and I is kinda overdramatic. Well, then .. you can go screw yourself. Press the red X on the top right corner of the browser =)

As I write this, I'm having to fight back these tears that are just begging to be let out, but I can't - my roommate is here in the room, 2 in the morning. Who do you think I am, some crybaby?

First of all, I just don't know myself anymore. I used to think I did, but I don't anymore. Why, I don't know. Coming into Middlebury College as a freshman feb was a really jolly, exciting time for me, but that's something of the past now. It's almost second semester already, and I'm going through a turb..

Nevermind. It's no use.

I've said I won't care anymore, but my mind just can't do it. DAMN it. It's almost there, but just caring about things doesn't make me so tough against what the world throws at me.

I can close my eyes, think back to my mom's cooking, and cry for over an hour, but that's all I can do to let loose whatever I had within me. But for a moment, trading emotional hurt for physical pain doesn't seem so bad right now. It seems like a very good trade, actually.

Just think of Spencer. Think of that person who doesn't seem to have any emotional wants or needs, and can just be that nice guy. No hurts, no pain, nothing. Good.

Damn. Middlebury College.

I think I need help.