Day 159: Surmounting to What?

Feeling a little inconspicuous
Listening to the fan blowing in my room
It's 2:50 AM

It's been over five months. Long, strenuous months. Months of hard work, sweat and blood. Months of tears and laughter, and months of both joyous times and agonizing hardships.

I was carrying my plate over to the beverage stand last evening. On another stroke of luck, I managed to catch a glimpse of a rarely observed sad and haggard face of an aging man working as part of the clean up crew in the dining hall.

It's one of those moments where you see something for what it really is, and you can't help but let that momentous snapshot of whatever you saw smash you and break you.

I don't want to go advertise my problems or publicize my issues, but I just feel the need to write here in this dusty space that: YES! I do have problems, and they are quite serious.

I have a hard time figuring out who I really am, and although I may seem pretty self-confident and generally independent and happy, one should know not to judge a book by its cover.

I don't know, I don't know, and I don't know. I keep telling this to myself, but I feel that a time will come when I will be able to identify myself and accept that person as (my name) .

But let's have an honest talk here.

I don't like it here.

I don't like it here.

I feel like I'm caving in, and it's not going to be long before I reach the limit on my ability to be self-sufficient. I miss my home, and I miss the good days, but this is the now, right?

So they say that all men should appear to be strong, indifferent, dominant, humorous, unpredictable, and etc., but is that for real? I guess it has to be. People don't want to be with those who are insecure, needy, clingy, weak wussies. Ha! Fuck.

Michelle told me that I should stop holding my thoughts to myself. But what the hell?? Does that even make sense? I guess it has to.

I am more screwed up than I thought I was.

I don't know who to turn to, where to turn to, what to turn to.

Yes, drinking your sorrows away can be of good, but it doesn't solve any problems. But what gives? Who really wants to hold onto their problems when they can't do anything about it?

Day 155: Firefly, Lonely Firefly

Feeling lonely, something I denied for a while
Listening to my roommate talk on Skype with his GF
It's 12:31 AM
I'm in Battell 211

So by a stroke of luck this evening I noticed in a puddle a lonely, dying firefly, its already faint blinking growing weaker and weaker, time between those flashes growing longer and longer. I waited and waited for another one of its pulses, just one more, to the point where my cramping leg had to tell me that there probably wasn't going to be another. I denied it, muffled a whimper, and put a Cheerio in my mouth.

Do I laugh? Do I cry? Do I ignore it and feel indifferent?

Life is a two-faced monster.

You can't stand time being so ungodly slow one moment, and you are rambling about how time flies so quickly the next. A few minutes may seem like hours in one instance, and a whole week may feel like a blink of an eye in another.

Life.

153: News Coverage This Week

Feeling a little hurtin'
Listening to someone's annoying phone go off
It's 12:26 PM

LOL - The second graph is questionable. Very.

Day 150.5: Created Feelings

Feeling somehow, somewhat resigned
Listening to Waltz 2 from Jazz Suite

"They figured that knowing you, Winry, you would understand without them saying anything."

"But there are some things that don't get across unless you say them out loud."

"Men are creatures that let their actions speak louder than words. When they're in pain, they don't want to burden anyone else, if they can help it. They don't want to make others worry, either."

Full Metal Alchemist episode 9

Day 150: I Dreamed a Dream

I Dreamed a Dream



There was a time, when men were kind
And their voices were soft
And their words were inviting
There was a time, when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving

Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
As they turn your dreams to shame

He slept a summer by my side
He filled my dreams with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came

And still I dream he'd come to me
That we would live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from the hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed