#02 Spades

July 4, 2011

I wanted to take a peek at Facebook, so I did, and there were well over a hundred wall posts that all said pretty much the same thing : happy birthday! I honestly want to say thanks to every person that wrote me, but I don't have time. That's the only reason. But I'll thank all of you guys here.

Thank you.

It makes me detest the hell of a place I am in right now, and yearn for the day I get honorably discharged after 2 years of service in the Marines. It reminds me that I'm not such a wretched piece of soul after all, and that there actually is an end to this tunnel. It signifies hope. Hope. It's such a powerful force that moves people to endure and persevere until a change for the better arrives... Still now, I don't know why I am in this kind of situation. If I could send a letter to myself in the past, then 99% of its content would be about persuading my past self not to enlist. And you know what he would say?

Thank you.

And you know what I would tell him if he decides not to join?

Thank you. And you're such a genius for making such a wise choice in life. But hell, I don't know if I would be able to say the same thing once I'm done with the Marines. Cuz, you know, there's this pride that all Marines have... And you know what? I wish I could be with my family right now.

(If you're looking for someone to pray for tonight or tomorrow night or any other night, then please pray for me.)

#01 Note

Feeling nostalgic
Listening to nothing

I'm going to start putting some thoughts up here so I can share them with people who care. Writing letters by hand and writing some clunks of phrases and words down on my blog are different, and quite a bit, too.

I'm just going to write for the sake of writing where only a few will be reading, so it's going to take on a certain tone of itself. And I'm not writing anythere here that can put me in risk of court martial... until I'm discharged from the Corps. Sorry, but hope you ... enjoy?

2011. 6. 26 Sunday

The weather's been quite horrible - it's been raining constantly for the past 4 days, punctuated by brief 3~4 hour periods of just cloudiness.

It's been over 10 months now since I've enlisted in the Marine Corps. I think I've gone through a damn lot more than I thought I would. Actually, no. I am sure I've gone through a damn lot more than I thought I would. Quite positive about it.

I don't know which is better for the soul: to deny a problem of its existence or to wholeheartedly acknowledge it. Sometimes - maybe every other month or so - during brief periods of tranquility of the mind, I get a pang of homesickness so bad that I can feel it right here in my chest. It feels like some cancerous lump that has been growing little by little for an unknown period of time, and I just want to get it out of my system for good. But how? Why can't I just be rid of that kind of nostalgia? Why is it so hard to gain independence from it?

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Man. I really don't know how much more bullshit I can take from this. And I can't believe I'm still kicking myself for this.