Returning #05

해병 선임의 글... 무슨 뜻일까? 무슨 의미일까?

이별을 기념하는 선물이예요.
너 겉으로 봐서는 아무렇지도 않아,
너 한번만 더 그딴소리 하면
유리동물이고 뭐고 다 깨부숴버릴거야,
알았어?

그 는 나에게 정말 특별했어요,
그런 따듯함은 처음이었거든요,
나는 어떨거라고 생각하세요?
과거로의 여행이죠,
내가 당신의 문제점을 알아볼까?

Returning #04

Opening my luggage case and emptying the few contents that I had in there. A belt. A mouthguard. A few novels. A beanie. 

It's time to pack again. And I hate this feeling. I'm so reluctant to go back to school.

Sigh.

Returning #03

I'm always more emotional during the night than during the day, so here is a little confession.

I'm sure some of you have - subconsciously or not - notice that I was becoming more and more detached as the day of "graduating" from summer school grew nearer and nearer. I couldn't help doing it - it almost felt natural - because it was a defense mechanism for myself to harden up in order to shield myself from having to cope with the sense of loss later... sense of losing a good group of people that I could laugh and drink with... that I could feel some sort of bond with - whatever that bond may be.

It's something you guys may have felt yourselves around the time of your high school graduation, where you wave goodbyes to both friends and acquaintances.

Fun times, fun times, though relatively few in comparison to what you guys had who lived at the dorms. At times, I find myself kicking myself for not having signed up for dormitory housing to save money. It's not the lectures we had to sit through and the essays we had to write that we will remember when we look back on the summer we had in Korea in 2012. Not the kinds of ice coffees we had, not the cafeteria lunch menus we had to translate and decide between, and definitely not what we exactly learned and had to memorize for the upcoming midterms and finals we were so worried about. We would remember the the short time we had venting about our classes, sharing our experiences about the new coffee flavored Raison cigarettes (and whether the animal logo was a cat or a kangaroo), and having a rad time drinking late into the night - almost every night. I just didn't approve of you guys drinking so much at that time, because I couldn't do the same. See why I am kicking myself for not signing up for dorms.

I guess this "little confession" is turning into a hyper-emotional letter for closure now -_-

I miss you guys, I guess. I hope you guys have a good time going back to school and starting another school year. Wish you the best, and stay healthy.

With much love
B

Returning #02

Mr. Linderman: You see, I think there comes a time when a man has to ask himself whether he wants a life of happiness or a life of meaning.

Nathan Petrelli : I'd like to think I have both.

Mr. Linderman : Can't be done. Two very different paths. I mean, to be truly happy, a man must live absolutely in the present. And with no thought of what's gone before, and no thought of what lies ahead. But, a life of meaning... A man is condemned to wallow in the past and obsess about the future. And my guess is that you've done quite a bit of obsessing about yours these last few days...

First time hearing that on Heroes, I had to stop the video and listen to it again; then, I had to look it up on the Internet and write it down on paper. Later, I had to list it under my favorite quotes on my Facebook profile. Think I had it up there for maybe four years before taking it down after coming out of the Marines. The quote wasn't something I couldn't agree with anymore, something I couldn't connect with anymore. It just wasn't... me.

But... four years. Why four years? It's quite a long period of time. Four years. Four fucking years.

Why didn't I have it on there for just a couple days? A few months? Maybe half a year? But four years... Why after the Marines? Has the Marines got anything at all to do with it? The Marines? Some military service? Fuck. I must be crazy to feel so?! Nobody else in the Marines thinks their 2 years of mandatory military service profoundly affects their life... To turn their views on life around. Maybe only the realization that life is actually nothing but fucking full of bullshit and hardships. Maybe the military teaches you that. Nothing else.

The Marines impacted me in ways.

Fuck that, they would say. The military is a shit waste of time, they would say. Why the fuck did you enlist in the Marines if you had the choice not to, they would ask. You're a dumbfuck, they would tell to my face. I applaud your Korean, nationalistic heart, but seriously, I don't understand why you enlisted, they would say with concerned looks on their faces. They would shake their head.

For the first year or so, I thought they were right. I believed them to be true. I believed that I was here by mistake, by my own error of judgment. I somehow made a wrong choice somewhere, they said. And so I became full of anguish, regret, and rage. I just shouldn't have joined. I shouldn't have enlisted. It was all a mistake, and I was angrily kicking myself for it... for wasting my two years of life away for something that I didn't even want to do in the first place? Now... Why? Why did I sign myself up for this? There must have been some reason - be it emotional or rational - that had me fill out that application. In Korean, there's a phrase "고생을 사서 한다" which means you willingly sign yourself up for difficulties and hardships. People used to tell me that before I went off to bootcamp, but I would simply brush it off. I would brush it off as if they were telling me something similar to... "Oh, hey, I admire your decision for doing something so admirable, but I'm just not going to make it plain and obvious." Maybe I should've taken better heed of their wisdom. Maybe I should have. Really.

Thanks, but I had my own reasons.

Why is it the Marines? Why after the Marines? Why does it have to be after the Marines? Why was my time there so significant? Was it because of the seemingly never-ending two years of pure anguish and agony? And all the times I had to spend alone at night fending off my own nightmares and personal demons? Silencing my own personal conversations and inquiries? Choking my own personal voice at times I needed them most? Did I do that in order for me to relieve myself from sleep deprivation and psychological stress? Was it just a self-defense mechanism for an individual struggling to stay sane and alive in the Corps? What was it for? Hmmm?

Sigh. I'm tired. I'm tired of asking myself questions for answers that I will never get. It's bordering on insanity, as I optimistically hope for some change like a fool. Maybe that's why I enlisted. I don't know. I don't even want to think about this.

I have to sit down sometimes and just ask myself why I feel a certain way towards something... like why I feel like I can connect with something some movie character said... or why I ... just feel angry towards myself. Or towards the world.

I think I wanted to have a life of meaning. Back then. I always thought that having meaning and substance in my life would be an eventual cause for natural happiness. Maybe meaning would've brought happiness with it.

But if meaning and satisfaction requires of a person so much, then... maybe... just maybe... a striving for a life of happiness wouldn't be so bad. Just enjoying the now. Enjoy what you have right now. It doesn't seem so bad. Not at all. At least... that's what they taught you in the Marines, right? Where's meaning and satisfaction in the military?

----------------------------------------

Fade to the darkness all the way

At the start gets, I hoped

That for once I had escaped the fakes, the snakes

Waste of time, so face to face

I'll be bold enough to throw

On an ish I belong to say, to say, to say

The fist is old, but this old

It's dead and ended now

I left all the reasons why

Why you should still be here

Go

Where did we go wrong?

I don't even like you now, like you

I'm not like you

You ain't what I want

And time will never work this out

Oh no, I've got coldIn the heart

Where did we go wrong?

I don't even like you now,

Forget you

Oh no, I've got cold

In the heart

Where did we go wrong?

I don't even like you now,

Forget you

I don't like you

All the way

Said not confused we're in the rain

It's a losing hand, fold

Why play on nothing to gain?

All on the rates

The fist is old, but this old

It's dead and ended now

I left all the reasons why

You shouldn't even be here

Go