Thanks to all readers - I just updated the look on my blog for a more fresh look. I will do try to write my own entries :) soon!

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Day 117: Cooking 101 for J Term

Feeling a bit sleepy
Listening to nothing, absolutely nothing
It's 1:34 AM

The fire alarm went off in my residence hall (a.k.a. Battell) because some careless students did not know how to cook food properly. Pooey. So, we all had to get out of the building before the Public Safety officers came and thoroughly searched the building for any offenders (who will be fined for remaining inside). After the fire alarms were deactivated, I commented to one of the officers:

"Gahh.. these kids!"

I shake my head in disappointment.

The officer laughs.

"Cooking 101! I have to teach that class to these kids for J term." She chuckles and walks away.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Day 116: Baby Name Popularity? Roflcopter?

Feeling pretty relaxed and healthier
Listening to Di.Fm @ Trance channel
It's 10:35 PM EDT
Heading to watch a movie at Soppheak's room

Guest author: Social Security
Baby Name Popularity 2008!

In 2008, American parents voted for change in naming their children. After a 12-year reign as the most popular baby name, Emily has slipped to third on the list. Emma is now the nation’s most popular name for girls.

The most popular boy’s name, Jacob, remained the same for the 10th year in a row.

Please click on the Most Popular Baby Names link at Social Security’s website -- www.socialsecurity.gov -- to see all the top baby names for 2008. Drum roll please…the Top 10 boys and girls names for 2008 are:

Top 10 Names for 2008
Rank Male name Female name
1 Jacob Emma
2 Michael Isabella
3 Ethan Emily
4 Joshua Madison
5 Daniel Ava
6 Alexander Olivia
7 Anthony Sophia
8 William Abigail
9 Christopher Elizabeth
10 Matthew Chloe
Note: Rank 1 is the most popular, rank 2 is the next most popular, and so forth.

The ascendancy of Emma means that Social Security spokesbaby Emily, who you should visit to say farewell at www.socialsecurity.gov, will be retiring. Emily indicated that she would not be requesting a recount and that she is busily preparing for nursery school. She further added, “I also ask everyone checking out this year’s results at www.socialsecurity.gov to look at the nearby information about the Medicare Extra Help Program--in case they know someone eligible for Medicare who could use up to $3,900 to help pay for medicine.”

A brand new feature to the website this year is the “Change in Name Popularity” page. This year’s winner for the biggest jump is Khloe, which is undoubtedly related to the popularity of Khloe Kardashian from the show “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.” Khloe with a K increased 469 spots to number 196 in 2008, up from 665 in 2007 and 960 in 2006 (her first year on the list). Also, Chloe with a C is in the Top 10 for the first time ever. Another fast riser is Miley, moving up 152 spots to number 127 for 2008, a rather impressive increase given this is only her second year on the list. On the downside for fans of Miley Cyrus’ fictional character, the name Hannah fell out of the Top 10 and landed down at number 17. Jacoby had the biggest increase for the boys, moving up 200 spots to number 423. Commissioner Michael Astrue, a die-hard Red Sox fan, attributed the rise of Jacoby to the appeal of last year’s star rookie centerfielder, Jacoby Ellsbury.

The name everybody is wondering about, Barack, did not make this year’s top 1,000 boy’s list, but it did set what is believed to be a record by skyrocketing more than 10,000 spots in rising from number 12,535 in 2007 to 2,409 in 2008. Social Security’s sophisticated predictive models are forecasting an increase well into the top 1,000 for Barack for 2009.

In this year of change, many unfamiliar names debuted on the top 1,000 list. These names include Isla (623), Mareli (718), Dayami (750), Nylah (821) and Jazlene (831) to name a few for the girls. For the boys: Aaden (No. 343), Chace (655), Marley (764), Kash (779), Kymani (836), Ishaan (851), Jadiel (874) and Urijah (889). Social Security officials expressed hope that parents were not naming their sons Marley after the badly behaved dog who starred in the movie “Marley and Me.” Beckham also made the list for the first time, coming in at number 893—undoubtedly influenced by the arrival in the United States of British soccer star David Beckham.

And for all of you Elvis fans out there, here’s our annual update: Elvis is still shakin’ at number 713, but fell on the charts from 673 in 2007.

In addition to a list of the 1,000 most popular boys’ and girls’ names for 2008, the website has a list of the top 100 names for twins born in 2008. Jacob and Joshua are the most popular twins’ names.

The Social Security website offers lists of baby names for each year since 1880. Social Security started compiling baby name lists in 1997.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Day 115: Consumerism. Worse than Drug and Alcohol Addiction.

My eyes feel sore
It's 4:54 PM
I'm in the library's media lab

Guest author: Tate from Freegan.info
"Welcome Oprah Fans!"

Oprah today reran the freegan show, which I only found out when I read it from Alfred over at MIMO:

On the Big O today, this woman, who was previously earning a 6-figure salary, gave up that life and started picking up food from dumpster. She even organised trash trips for people of the same interest. Such trips are not fancy trips with fancy drink but trips where you get closer to a possum or rodent, skill-wise speaking. What striked me the most, was that our society wastes so much. American, being 5% of the world population, consume 30% of the world’s resources. Madeline and her troop could find buckets of food, loaves of bread, fresh fruits, muffins, cereal, salad and canned food from just a handful of dumpsters, mostly all from grocery stores.

Have you not picked an apple and seen a small dent on it and not purchased it eventually? I have. These perfectly fine fruit are thrown away, they are not even given to the poor or homeless (due to some restrictions). And how much food have I wasted? If I remember correctly, $30 BILLION of food is wasted annually in the US. Now wouldn’t it timely if the CEOs of failed companies started embracing freegan lifestyle?

Consumerism, I think, is a more serious problem than drug or alcohol addiction.

That’s about how we feel about it too.

So welcome to everyone who saw us on Oprah. You’ll find many useful articles both on and off our site linked to through the menu on the left. If you’re looking to go diving, take a look at our dumpster directory. If you dive already and know of some choice spots you’d like to share, help us and fellow freegans by adding to the directory.

And if you’re in New York, check out the calendar and come to one of our events.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Day 109: Really, How much are you willing to put up with this bullshit

You say Yes to the world
The whole world will say No to you

How much are you going to give in?
How much are you going to resist?
How much are you going to let the world walk over you?
How much are you willing to represent yourself?

You are the only You in the whole wide world.
You will be the only You in the whole world.
You can only represent yourself.
You will only represent yourself.

You say Yes
The world will say No

You say Yes
The world will say No

You will be
The whole world will be against

Cry, weep, suffer, moan
The whole world will be against

Be but
The world will be against

If Only 2/2

If only tears were laughter
If only night was day
If only our dearest prayers were answered

No matter what they tell us
No matter what they do to us
No matter what they try to teach to us

If only frowns were smiles
If only storms were sunshowers
If only our deepest fears were cared for

I can only hope
I can only whisper
I can only pray
Only to myself can I say

Can you?
Will you?
Would you?
Please?
Please?

My days are filled with doubt
My weeks are filled with tears
My months are filled with restlessness
My fears are filled with something I don't even know
Longing for your return, your answer
I do not know, please answer

If Only 1/2

Feeling drunk..
Listening to FM Radio 92
It's 4:29 AM

I don't care what they tell us
I don't care what they do to us
I don't care what they try to teach us
What I believe, what we believe is true

I don't care what they call us
Though they attack us
Though they try to take us someplace
We'll find our place

I can't deny what I believe
I can't be what I'm not
I know
I know forever

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Day 107: 6 Minute PowerPoint Presentations? Pecha-Kucha? WTF?

Feeling tired as flip
It's 9:45 AM
I'm working in the Wilson media lab

Very interesting. Very interesting. I might just start such a group right here in Middlebury College.

Let us now bullet-point our praise for Mark Dytham and Astrid Klein, two Tokyo-based architects who have turned PowerPoint, that fixture of cubicle life, into both art form and competitive sport. Their innovation, dubbed pecha-kucha (Japanese for "chatter"), applies a simple set of rules to presentations: exactly 20 slides displayed for 20 seconds each. That's it. Say what you need to say in six minutes and 40 seconds of exquisitely matched words and images and then sit the hell down. The result, in the hands of masters of the form, combines business meeting and poetry slam to transform corporate cliché into surprisingly compelling beat-the-clock performance art.

The duo — Dytham is British, Klein Italian — invented pecha-kucha four years ago to help revive a struggling performance space they owned. The first presentations were such a hit that they began hosting monthly pecha-kucha events, boozy affairs at which Tokyo architects and designers showcased their streamlined offerings to crowds of hundreds. Now there are pecha-nights in 80 cities, from Amsterdam and Atlanta to San Francisco and Shanghai. Why? Dytham believes that the rules have a liberating effect. "Suddenly," he says, "there's no preciousness in people's presentations." Just poetry.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Day 106.5: Middlebury College Violates Our Speech Rights?

My eyes are feeling tired
Listening to Trance channel @ Di.Fm
It's 10:34 PM
I'm at the Axinn computer lab

Guest author: Samantha Harris
May 4, 2009

FIRE announces its Speech Code of the Month for May 2009: Middlebury College in Vermont.

Middlebury's ironically named policy on Freedom of Inquiry and Expression provides that:

Student organizations bear full responsibility for arranging and financing any Department of Public Safety provisions that may be necessary in connection with controversial speakers.

The policy further states:

The Deans' offices and [Center for Campus Activities and Leadership] also have the right to specify security measures to the organizations as seem appropriate. If the College, through the offices of the deans, CCAL or the president, judges that security arrangements are inadequate and that the sponsoring organization is either unwilling or unable to make proper arrangements, the event may be canceled by the dean or president.

So in spite of the fact that Middlebury's College Handbook states that free speech "must be protected even when the views expressed are unpopular or controversial," the college handicaps controversial expression by charging student organizations a premium for inviting controversial speakers to campus.

The problem here is twofold. First, the policy gives the administration great disciretion to burden speech with which it disagrees. Secondly, it also allows fellow students to exercise a "heckler's veto" over unpopular speech by threatening disruptive protests, thus requiring additional security and, accordingly, additional and possibly prohibitive costs.

This policy would be unconstitutional at a public university. In Forsyth County v. Nationalist Movement, 505 U.S. 123 (1992), the Supreme Court struck down an ordinance in Forsyth County, Georgia, that permitted the local government to set varying fees for events based upon how much police protection the event would need. The Court wrote that in the case of the Forsyth County ordinance, "[t]he fee assessed will depend on the administrator's measure of the amount of hostility likely to be created by the speech based on its content. Those wishing to express views unpopular with bottle throwers, for example, may have to pay more for their permit." The Court further wrote that "[l]isteners' reaction to speech is not a content-neutral basis for regulation.... Speech cannot be financially burdened, any more than it can be punished or banned, simply because it might offend a hostile mob." (Emphasis added.)

While Middlebury College is private, its materials (including the College Handbook) make numerous promises of free speech, such that students considering enrollment are likely to believe they would have the same rights at Middlebury as they would at any of Vermont's public institutions. In addition to the provision about protecting controversial speech cited earlier, the College Handbook also states that "[s]tudents, student organizations, faculty, and staff at Middlebury College are free to examine and discuss all questions of interest to them and to express opinions publicly and privately," and that "[t]he common good depends upon the free search for truth and its free exposition."

Moreover, in his 2007 commencement speech to Middlebury's graduating seniors, College President Ronald Liebowitz spoke explicitly about what he called the "value of discomfort" in a liberal arts education. Liebowitz said:

[D]iversity is intellectually and socially challenging; it forces you to engage issues more broadly than you might otherwise. It often creates unintended consequences; and it surely can make one uncomfortable. But some discomfort, amidst all that is comfortable about Middlebury, is the best preparation for a successful entry into our increasingly complex global world. (Emphasis added.)

In light of these promises, and of President Liebowitz's statements about the importance of the discomfort that comes from hearing views that may differ from one's own, it is hypocritical and reprehensible for the college to financially burden controversial speech on campus.

For this reason, Middlebury College is our May 2009 Speech Code of the Month. If you believe that your college or university should be a Speech Code of the Month, please e-mail speechcodes@thefire.org with a link to the policy and a brief description of why you think attention should be drawn to this code.

If you are a current college student or faculty member interested in these issues, consider joining FIRE's Campus Freedom Network, a loosely knit coalition of college faculty members and students dedicated to advancing individual liberties on their campuses. And if you would like to help fight abuses at universities nationwide, add FIRE's Speech Code of the Month Widget to your blog, website, or Facebook profile and help shed some much-needed sunlight on these repressive policies.

Day 106: Nowhere to Spend Your Abilities?

Feeling really tidy
Listening to 97.1 FM Vermont
It's 2:04 AM

Someone just Googled "I have all this creative ability and nowhere to spend it."

I think this person has NO creative ability. Can you think of the reasons why?

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Day 105.5: What You Can Do with Money

Feeling excited about my new job
Listening to Trance channel @ Di.Fm
It's 1:40 PM
A cozy 64' Fahrenheit

So, what can you do with money? There's bazillion possibilities, but here is one for you to try out. A good laugh.

...Reminds me of a woman I know. She was trying to reverse park her car when a young man zipped into the parking space she was in the process of getting into and yelled out of his window “This is what you can do when you can drive!”.

She reversed hard into his car and yelled back “This is what you can do when you have money!”. Her insurance had to pay for the damage, of course, but the man will probably think twice before pulling that trick again...

Day 105: Can Not

This place is too rampant of racism and frauds.

Fraudulents. Fakes.

Idiots.

Self-righteous sermonizers.

I can't take it anymore.

But I still choose to be here.

Why?

Why?

Why do I?

I still have four more years.

But do I really?

Monday, May 18, 2009

Day 104: In terms of seeking peace

Feeling tired, yet wired
Listening to Charlotte McKinnon - Love for Sale
It's 5:10 AM
Summer has officially started

So it's five in the morning, and I haven't yet been able to get even a wink of sleep. Whether it be the can of sugar-free Red Bull I drank over six hours ago or just another one of those restless nights, I don't know.

I bike my way back from the library, and I get myself ready to sleep away... but, just like he did in the past, this monster comes back to haunt me again. This monster, this part of me, always does the same thing... taking me through the same ordeal over and over again.

He: You know that you could have had different results.

I nod.

He: You know you could have had better results.

I fidget.

He: You always look back at the past and...

I: And I wish things could be different. I know, I kn-

He: Always.

I: Stop it.

He: This is who you are.

I fail to form a response.

He: You can't accept who you are. You don't want to.

I don't know what to say.

He: You are always like this. Why can't you get real?

I: Because... I am a dreamer?

He: So you are?

Silence.

He: You don't know who you are.

I: I don't know who I am.

He: Bwahaha! You lose, son, you lose.

I don't know if anyone else goes through something similar to this every now and then. I always have a tough time going through this issue, and I can't seem to find those people that make me forget about all those life problems and hide under their inspiring, empowering aura.

Oh, God.... seriously. It feels like I don't know who I am anymore. I came to this thinking, believing, maybe even fooling myself to do so that I'm going to be someone new, a reborn.

Does change in time mean a change in who we are?

What about change in our surroundings?

Can we ever change who we really are? Or are we forever stuck with this sense of self for the rest of our lives?

Mad. Mad.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Day 99: The Disadvantages of an Elite Education

Feeling pretty zoned out
Listening to Live is Life - Opus
It's 3:57 PM
Tomorrow is: last day of exams for me!

It didn’t dawn on me that there might be a few holes in my education until I was about 35. I’d just bought a house, the pipes needed fixing, and the plumber was standing in my kitchen. There he was, a short, beefy guy with a goatee and a Red Sox cap and a thick Boston accent, and I suddenly learned that I didn’t have the slightest idea what to say to someone like him. So alien was his experience to me, so unguessable his values, so mysterious his very language, that I couldn’t succeed in engaging him in a few minutes of small talk before he got down to work. Fourteen years of higher education and a handful of Ivy League degrees, and there I was, stiff and stupid, struck dumb by my own dumbness. “Ivy retardation,” a friend of mine calls this. I could carry on conversations with people from other countries, in other languages, but I couldn’t talk to the man who was standing in my own house.

It’s not surprising that it took me so long to discover the extent of my miseducation, because the last thing an elite education will teach you is its own inadequacy. As two dozen years at Yale and Columbia have shown me, elite colleges relentlessly encourage their students to flatter themselves for being there, and for what being there can do for them. The advantages of an elite education are indeed undeniable. You learn to think, at least in certain ways, and you make the contacts needed to launch yourself into a life rich in all of society’s most cherished rewards. To consider that while some opportunities are being created, others are being cancelled and that while some abilities are being developed, others are being crippled is, within this context, not only outrageous, but inconceivable.

I’m not talking about curricula or the culture wars, the closing or opening of the American mind, political correctness, canon formation, or what have you. I’m talking about the whole system in which these skirmishes play out. Not just the Ivy League and its peer institutions, but also the mechanisms that get you there in the first place: the private and affluent public “feeder” schools, the ever-growing parastructure of tutors and test-prep courses and enrichment programs, the whole admissions frenzy and everything that leads up to and away from it. The message, as always, is the medium. Before, after, and around the elite college classroom, a constellation of values is ceaselessly inculcated. As globalization sharpens economic insecurity, we are increasingly committing ourselves—as students, as parents, as a society—to a vast apparatus of educational advantage. With so many resources devoted to the business of elite academics and so many people scrambling for the limited space at the top of the ladder, it is worth asking what exactly it is you get in the end—what it is we all get, because the elite students of today, as their institutions never tire of reminding them, are the leaders of tomorrow.

The first disadvantage of an elite education, as I learned in my kitchen that day, is that it makes you incapable of talking to people who aren’t like you. Elite schools pride themselves on their diversity, but that diversity is almost entirely a matter of ethnicity and race. With respect to class, these schools are largely—indeed increasingly—homogeneous. Visit any elite campus in our great nation and you can thrill to the heartwarming spectacle of the children of white businesspeople and professionals studying and playing alongside the children of black, Asian, and Latino businesspeople and professionals. At the same time, because these schools tend to cultivate liberal attitudes, they leave their students in the paradoxical position of wanting to advocate on behalf of the working class while being unable to hold a simple conversation with anyone in it. Witness the last two Democratic presidential nominees, Al Gore and John Kerry: one each from Harvard and Yale, both earnest, decent, intelligent men, both utterly incapable of communicating with the larger electorate.

But it isn’t just a matter of class. My education taught me to believe that people who didn’t go to an Ivy League or equivalent school weren’t worth talking to, regardless of their class. I was given the unmistakable message that such people were beneath me. We were “the best and the brightest,” as these places love to say, and everyone else was, well, something else: less good, less bright. I learned to give that little nod of understanding, that slightly sympathetic “Oh,” when people told me they went to a less prestigious college. (If I’d gone to Harvard, I would have learned to say “in Boston” when I was asked where I went to school—the Cambridge version of noblesse oblige.) I never learned that there are smart people who don’t go to elite colleges, often precisely for reasons of class. I never learned that there are smart people who don’t go to college at all.

I also never learned that there are smart people who aren’t “smart.” The existence of multiple forms of intelligence has become a commonplace, but however much elite universities like to sprinkle their incoming classes with a few actors or violinists, they select for and develop one form of intelligence: the analytic. While this is broadly true of all universities, elite schools, precisely because their students (and faculty, and administrators) possess this one form of intelligence to such a high degree, are more apt to ignore the value of others. One naturally prizes what one most possesses and what most makes for one’s advantages. But social intelligence and emotional intelligence and creative ability, to name just three other forms, are not distributed preferentially among the educational elite. The “best” are the brightest only in one narrow sense. One needs to wander away from the educational elite to begin to discover this.

What about people who aren’t bright in any sense? I have a friend who went to an Ivy League college after graduating from a typically mediocre public high school. One of the values of going to such a school, she once said, is that it teaches you to relate to stupid people. Some people are smart in the elite-college way, some are smart in other ways, and some aren’t smart at all. It should be embarrassing not to know how to talk to any of them, if only because talking to people is the only real way of knowing them. Elite institutions are supposed to provide a humanistic education, but the first principle of humanism is Terence’s: “nothing human is alien to me.” The first disadvantage of an elite education is how very much of the human it alienates you from.

The second disadvantage, implicit in what I’ve been saying, is that an elite education inculcates a false sense of self-worth. Getting to an elite college, being at an elite college, and going on from an elite college—all involve numerical rankings: SAT, GPA, GRE. You learn to think of yourself in terms of those numbers. They come to signify not only your fate, but your identity; not only your identity, but your value. It’s been said that what those tests really measure is your ability to take tests, but even if they measure something real, it is only a small slice of the real. The problem begins when students are encouraged to forget this truth, when academic excellence becomes excellence in some absolute sense, when “better at X” becomes simply “better.”

There is nothing wrong with taking pride in one’s intellect or knowledge. There is something wrong with the smugness and self-congratulation that elite schools connive at from the moment the fat envelopes come in the mail. From orientation to graduation, the message is implicit in every tone of voice and tilt of the head, every old-school tradition, every article in the student paper, every speech from the dean. The message is: You have arrived. Welcome to the club. And the corollary is equally clear: You deserve everything your presence here is going to enable you to get. When people say that students at elite schools have a strong sense of entitlement, they mean that those students think they deserve more than other people because their SAT scores are higher.

At Yale, and no doubt at other places, the message is reinforced in embarrassingly literal terms. The physical form of the university—its quads and residential colleges, with their Gothic stone façades and wrought-iron portals—is constituted by the locked gate set into the encircling wall. Everyone carries around an ID card that determines which gates they can enter. The gate, in other words, is a kind of governing metaphor—because the social form of the university, as is true of every elite school, is constituted the same way. Elite colleges are walled domains guarded by locked gates, with admission granted only to the elect. The aptitude with which students absorb this lesson is demonstrated by the avidity with which they erect still more gates within those gates, special realms of ever-greater exclusivity—at Yale, the famous secret societies, or as they should probably be called, the open-secret societies, since true secrecy would defeat their purpose. There’s no point in excluding people unless they know they’ve been excluded.

One of the great errors of an elite education, then, is that it teaches you to think that measures of intelligence and academic achievement are measures of value in some moral or metaphysical sense. But they’re not. Graduates of elite schools are not more valuable than stupid people, or talentless people, or even lazy people. Their pain does not hurt more. Their souls do not weigh more. If I were religious, I would say, God does not love them more. The political implications should be clear. As John Ruskin told an older elite, grabbing what you can get isn’t any less wicked when you grab it with the power of your brains than with the power of your fists. “Work must always be,” Ruskin says, “and captains of work must always be….[But] there is a wide difference between being captains…of work, and taking the profits of it.”

The political implications don’t stop there. An elite education not only ushers you into the upper classes; it trains you for the life you will lead once you get there. I didn’t understand this until I began comparing my experience, and even more, my students’ experience, with the experience of a friend of mine who went to Cleveland State. There are due dates and attendance requirements at places like Yale, but no one takes them very seriously. Extensions are available for the asking; threats to deduct credit for missed classes are rarely, if ever, carried out. In other words, students at places like Yale get an endless string of second chances. Not so at places like Cleveland State. My friend once got a D in a class in which she’d been running an A because she was coming off a waitressing shift and had to hand in her term paper an hour late.

That may be an extreme example, but it is unthinkable at an elite school. Just as unthinkably, she had no one to appeal to. Students at places like Cleveland State, unlike those at places like Yale, don’t have a platoon of advisers and tutors and deans to write out excuses for late work, give them extra help when they need it, pick them up when they fall down. They get their education wholesale, from an indifferent bureaucracy; it’s not handed to them in individually wrapped packages by smiling clerks. There are few, if any, opportunities for the kind of contacts I saw my students get routinely—classes with visiting power brokers, dinners with foreign dignitaries. There are also few, if any, of the kind of special funds that, at places like Yale, are available in profusion: travel stipends, research fellowships, performance grants. Each year, my department at Yale awards dozens of cash prizes for everything from freshman essays to senior projects. This year, those awards came to more than $90,000—in just one department.

Students at places like Cleveland State also don’t get A-’s just for doing the work. There’s been a lot of handwringing lately over grade inflation, and it is a scandal, but the most scandalous thing about it is how uneven it’s been. Forty years ago, the average GPA at both public and private universities was about 2.6, still close to the traditional B-/C+ curve. Since then, it’s gone up everywhere, but not by anything like the same amount. The average gpa at public universities is now about 3.0, a B; at private universities it’s about 3.3, just short of a B+. And at most Ivy League schools, it’s closer to 3.4. But there are always students who don’t do the work, or who are taking a class far outside their field (for fun or to fulfill a requirement), or who aren’t up to standard to begin with (athletes, legacies). At a school like Yale, students who come to class and work hard expect nothing less than an A-. And most of the time, they get it.

In short, the way students are treated in college trains them for the social position they will occupy once they get out. At schools like Cleveland State, they’re being trained for positions somewhere in the middle of the class system, in the depths of one bureaucracy or another. They’re being conditioned for lives with few second chances, no extensions, little support, narrow opportunity—lives of subordination, supervision, and control, lives of deadlines, not guidelines. At places like Yale, of course, it’s the reverse. The elite like to think of themselves as belonging to a meritocracy, but that’s true only up to a point. Getting through the gate is very difficult, but once you’re in, there’s almost nothing you can do to get kicked out. Not the most abject academic failure, not the most heinous act of plagiarism, not even threatening a fellow student with bodily harm—I’ve heard of all three—will get you expelled. The feeling is that, by gosh, it just wouldn’t be fair—in other words, the self-protectiveness of the old-boy network, even if it now includes girls. Elite schools nurture excellence, but they also nurture what a former Yale graduate student I know calls “entitled mediocrity.” A is the mark of excellence; A- is the mark of entitled mediocrity. It’s another one of those metaphors, not so much a grade as a promise. It means, don’t worry, we’ll take care of you. You may not be all that good, but you’re good enough.

Here, too, college reflects the way things work in the adult world (unless it’s the other way around). For the elite, there’s always another extension—a bailout, a pardon, a stint in rehab—always plenty of contacts and special stipends—the country club, the conference, the year-end bonus, the dividend. If Al Gore and John Kerry represent one of the characteristic products of an elite education, George W. Bush represents another. It’s no coincidence that our current president, the apotheosis of entitled mediocrity, went to Yale. Entitled mediocrity is indeed the operating principle of his administration, but as Enron and WorldCom and the other scandals of the dot-com meltdown demonstrated, it’s also the operating principle of corporate America. The fat salaries paid to underperforming CEOs are an adult version of the A-. Anyone who remembers the injured sanctimony with which Kenneth Lay greeted the notion that he should be held accountable for his actions will understand the mentality in question—the belief that once you’re in the club, you’ve got a God-given right to stay in the club. But you don’t need to remember Ken Lay, because the whole dynamic played out again last year in the case of Scooter Libby, another Yale man.

If one of the disadvantages of an elite education is the temptation it offers to mediocrity, another is the temptation it offers to security. When parents explain why they work so hard to give their children the best possible education, they invariably say it is because of the opportunities it opens up. But what of the opportunities it shuts down? An elite education gives you the chance to be rich—which is, after all, what we’re talking about—but it takes away the chance not to be. Yet the opportunity not to be rich is one of the greatest opportunities with which young Americans have been blessed. We live in a society that is itself so wealthy that it can afford to provide a decent living to whole classes of people who in other countries exist (or in earlier times existed) on the brink of poverty or, at least, of indignity. You can live comfortably in the United States as a schoolteacher, or a community organizer, or a civil rights lawyer, or an artist—that is, by any reasonable definition of comfort. You have to live in an ordinary house instead of an apartment in Manhattan or a mansion in L.A.; you have to drive a Honda instead of a BMW or a Hummer; you have to vacation in Florida instead of Barbados or Paris, but what are such losses when set against the opportunity to do work you believe in, work you’re suited for, work you love, every day of your life?

Yet it is precisely that opportunity that an elite education takes away. How can I be a schoolteacher—wouldn’t that be a waste of my expensive education? Wouldn’t I be squandering the opportunities my parents worked so hard to provide? What will my friends think? How will I face my classmates at our 20th reunion, when they’re all rich lawyers or important people in New York? And the question that lies behind all these: Isn’t it beneath me? So a whole universe of possibility closes, and you miss your true calling.

This is not to say that students from elite colleges never pursue a riskier or less lucrative course after graduation, but even when they do, they tend to give up more quickly than others. (Let’s not even talk about the possibility of kids from privileged backgrounds not going to college at all, or delaying matriculation for several years, because however appropriate such choices might sometimes be, our rigid educational mentality places them outside the universe of possibility—the reason so many kids go sleepwalking off to college with no idea what they’re doing there.) This doesn’t seem to make sense, especially since students from elite schools tend to graduate with less debt and are more likely to be able to float by on family money for a while. I wasn’t aware of the phenomenon myself until I heard about it from a couple of graduate students in my department, one from Yale, one from Harvard. They were talking about trying to write poetry, how friends of theirs from college called it quits within a year or two while people they know from less prestigious schools are still at it. Why should this be? Because students from elite schools expect success, and expect it now. They have, by definition, never experienced anything else, and their sense of self has been built around their ability to succeed. The idea of not being successful terrifies them, disorients them, defeats them. They’ve been driven their whole lives by a fear of failure—often, in the first instance, by their parents’ fear of failure. The first time I blew a test, I walked out of the room feeling like I no longer knew who I was. The second time, it was easier; I had started to learn that failure isn’t the end of the world.

But if you’re afraid to fail, you’re afraid to take risks, which begins to explain the final and most damning disadvantage of an elite education: that it is profoundly anti-intellectual. This will seem counterintuitive. Aren’t kids at elite schools the smartest ones around, at least in the narrow academic sense? Don’t they work harder than anyone else—indeed, harder than any previous generation? They are. They do. But being an intellectual is not the same as being smart. Being an intellectual means more than doing your homework.

If so few kids come to college understanding this, it is no wonder. They are products of a system that rarely asked them to think about something bigger than the next assignment. The system forgot to teach them, along the way to the prestige admissions and the lucrative jobs, that the most important achievements can’t be measured by a letter or a number or a name. It forgot that the true purpose of education is to make minds, not careers.

Being an intellectual means, first of all, being passionate about ideas—and not just for the duration of a semester, for the sake of pleasing the teacher, or for getting a good grade. A friend who teaches at the University of Connecticut once complained to me that his students don’t think for themselves. Well, I said, Yale students think for themselves, but only because they know we want them to. I’ve had many wonderful students at Yale and Columbia, bright, thoughtful, creative kids whom it’s been a pleasure to talk with and learn from. But most of them have seemed content to color within the lines that their education had marked out for them. Only a small minority have seen their education as part of a larger intellectual journey, have approached the work of the mind with a pilgrim soul. These few have tended to feel like freaks, not least because they get so little support from the university itself. Places like Yale, as one of them put it to me, are not conducive to searchers.

Places like Yale are simply not set up to help students ask the big questions. I don’t think there ever was a golden age of intellectualism in the American university, but in the 19th century students might at least have had a chance to hear such questions raised in chapel or in the literary societies and debating clubs that flourished on campus. Throughout much of the 20th century, with the growth of the humanistic ideal in American colleges, students might have encountered the big questions in the classrooms of professors possessed of a strong sense of pedagogic mission. Teachers like that still exist in this country, but the increasingly dire exigencies of academic professionalization have made them all but extinct at elite universities. Professors at top research institutions are valued exclusively for the quality of their scholarly work; time spent on teaching is time lost. If students want a conversion experience, they’re better off at a liberal arts college.

When elite universities boast that they teach their students how to think, they mean that they teach them the analytic and rhetorical skills necessary for success in law or medicine or science or business. But a humanistic education is supposed to mean something more than that, as universities still dimly feel. So when students get to college, they hear a couple of speeches telling them to ask the big questions, and when they graduate, they hear a couple more speeches telling them to ask the big questions. And in between, they spend four years taking courses that train them to ask the little questions—specialized courses, taught by specialized professors, aimed at specialized students. Although the notion of breadth is implicit in the very idea of a liberal arts education, the admissions process increasingly selects for kids who have already begun to think of themselves in specialized terms—the junior journalist, the budding astronomer, the language prodigy. We are slouching, even at elite schools, toward a glorified form of vocational training.

Indeed, that seems to be exactly what those schools want. There’s a reason elite schools speak of training leaders, not thinkers—holders of power, not its critics. An independent mind is independent of all allegiances, and elite schools, which get a large percentage of their budget from alumni giving, are strongly invested in fostering institutional loyalty. As another friend, a third-generation Yalie, says, the purpose of Yale College is to manufacture Yale alumni. Of course, for the system to work, those alumni need money. At Yale, the long-term drift of students away from majors in the humanities and basic sciences toward more practical ones like computer science and economics has been abetted by administrative indifference. The college career office has little to say to students not interested in law, medicine, or business, and elite universities are not going to do anything to discourage the large percentage of their graduates who take their degrees to Wall Street. In fact, they’re showing them the way. The liberal arts university is becoming the corporate university, its center of gravity shifting to technical fields where scholarly expertise can be parlayed into lucrative business opportunities.

It’s no wonder that the few students who are passionate about ideas find themselves feeling isolated and confused. I was talking with one of them last year about his interest in the German Romantic idea of bildung, the upbuilding of the soul. But, he said—he was a senior at the time—it’s hard to build your soul when everyone around you is trying to sell theirs.

Yet there is a dimension of the intellectual life that lies above the passion for ideas, though so thoroughly has our culture been sanitized of it that it is hardly surprising if it was beyond the reach of even my most alert students. Since the idea of the intellectual emerged in the 18th century, it has had, at its core, a commitment to social transformation. Being an intellectual means thinking your way toward a vision of the good society and then trying to realize that vision by speaking truth to power. It means going into spiritual exile. It means foreswearing your allegiance, in lonely freedom, to God, to country, and to Yale. It takes more than just intellect; it takes imagination and courage. “I am not afraid to make a mistake,” Stephen Dedalus says, “even a great mistake, a lifelong mistake, and perhaps as long as eternity, too.”

Being an intellectual begins with thinking your way outside of your assumptions and the system that enforces them. But students who get into elite schools are precisely the ones who have best learned to work within the system, so it’s almost impossible for them to see outside it, to see that it’s even there. Long before they got to college, they turned themselves into world-class hoop-jumpers and teacher-pleasers, getting A’s in every class no matter how boring they found the teacher or how pointless the subject, racking up eight or 10 extracurricular activities no matter what else they wanted to do with their time. Paradoxically, the situation may be better at second-tier schools and, in particular, again, at liberal arts colleges than at the most prestigious universities. Some students end up at second-tier schools because they’re exactly like students at Harvard or Yale, only less gifted or driven. But others end up there because they have a more independent spirit. They didn’t get straight A’s because they couldn’t be bothered to give everything in every class. They concentrated on the ones that meant the most to them or on a single strong extracurricular passion or on projects that had nothing to do with school or even with looking good on a college application. Maybe they just sat in their room, reading a lot and writing in their journal. These are the kinds of kids who are likely, once they get to college, to be more interested in the human spirit than in school spirit, and to think about leaving college bearing questions, not resumés.

I’ve been struck, during my time at Yale, by how similar everyone looks. You hardly see any hippies or punks or art-school types, and at a college that was known in the ’80s as the Gay Ivy, few out lesbians and no gender queers. The geeks don’t look all that geeky; the fashionable kids go in for understated elegance. Thirty-two flavors, all of them vanilla. The most elite schools have become places of a narrow and suffocating normalcy. Everyone feels pressure to maintain the kind of appearance—and affect—that go with achievement. (Dress for success, medicate for success.) I know from long experience as an adviser that not every Yale student is appropriate and well-adjusted, which is exactly why it worries me that so many of them act that way. The tyranny of the normal must be very heavy in their lives. One consequence is that those who can’t get with the program (and they tend to be students from poorer backgrounds) often polarize in the opposite direction, flying off into extremes of disaffection and self-destruction. But another consequence has to do with the large majority who can get with the program.

I taught a class several years ago on the literature of friendship. One day we were discussing Virginia Woolf’s novel The Waves, which follows a group of friends from childhood to middle age. In high school, one of them falls in love with another boy. He thinks, “To whom can I expose the urgency of my own passion?…There is nobody—here among these grey arches, and moaning pigeons, and cheerful games and tradition and emulation, all so skilfully organised to prevent feeling alone.” A pretty good description of an elite college campus, including the part about never being allowed to feel alone. What did my students think of this, I wanted to know? What does it mean to go to school at a place where you’re never alone? Well, one of them said, I do feel uncomfortable sitting in my room by myself. Even when I have to write a paper, I do it at a friend’s. That same day, as it happened, another student gave a presentation on Emerson’s essay on friendship. Emerson says, he reported, that one of the purposes of friendship is to equip you for solitude. As I was asking my students what they thought that meant, one of them interrupted to say, wait a second, why do you need solitude in the first place? What can you do by yourself that you can’t do with a friend?

So there they were: one young person who had lost the capacity for solitude and another who couldn’t see the point of it. There’s been much talk of late about the loss of privacy, but equally calamitous is its corollary, the loss of solitude. It used to be that you couldn’t always get together with your friends even when you wanted to. Now that students are in constant electronic contact, they never have trouble finding each other. But it’s not as if their compulsive sociability is enabling them to develop deep friendships. “To whom can I expose the urgency of my own passion?”: my student was in her friend’s room writing a paper, not having a heart-to-heart. She probably didn’t have the time; indeed, other students told me they found their peers too busy for intimacy.

What happens when busyness and sociability leave no room for solitude? The ability to engage in introspection, I put it to my students that day, is the essential precondition for living an intellectual life, and the essential precondition for introspection is solitude. They took this in for a second, and then one of them said, with a dawning sense of self-awareness, “So are you saying that we’re all just, like, really excellent sheep?” Well, I don’t know. But I do know that the life of the mind is lived one mind at a time: one solitary, skeptical, resistant mind at a time. The best place to cultivate it is not within an educational system whose real purpose is to reproduce the class system.

The world that produced John Kerry and George Bush is indeed giving us our next generation of leaders. The kid who’s loading up on AP courses junior year or editing three campus publications while double-majoring, the kid whom everyone wants at their college or law school but no one wants in their classroom, the kid who doesn’t have a minute to breathe, let alone think, will soon be running a corporation or an institution or a government. She will have many achievements but little experience, great success but no vision. The disadvantage of an elite education is that it’s given us the elite we have, and the elite we’re going to have.


William Deresiewicz taught English at Yale University from 1998 to 2008.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Day 96.5: If Gas Prices Bother You, Walk. If You Hate Your Job, Quit. If Your Life Sucks, Change it

Guest author: V from Violent Acres


If one more person complains to me about the rising gas prices, I’m going to snap and break his fucking kneecaps.

Every morning, when I check the mail, my neighbor gives me a little wave and makes some disparaging comment about how the gas prices are killing him. And every morning, I want to ram his fucking newspaper right down his fucking throat because he’s the first person to hop in his car to drive to the corner store that is less than 1 mile away.

Fuck him. And fuck anyone else who wants to bitch and moan about gas prices, but can’t be bothered to take a walk. Or ride a bike. Or walk into their place of employment and say, “Hey guys, I was thinking about organizing a carpool. Anyone interested?”

I’m sick and tired of people treating life like it’s something that just happens to them. Everyone is oh so helpless and no one has any control over their situation. They act as if they’re trapped or incapable of changing their situation. It’s pissing me off because I’ve never seen so many people happy imagining themselves as victims of circumstance.

A friend of mine hates his job. Every fucking morning, he calls me to complain about how much he hates his job. His boss is an asshole. His coworkers are gossipy, incompetent fools. The work he’s doing is soul crushing and depressing. There is overtime and shitty benefits and a long commute. Yet, every morning, he is in the process of getting ready to go in.

I tell him the same thing every day, “You really need to just quit that job.”

“But I caaaaaan’t,” he whines, “If I left this place, I’d have to take a pay cut. And I need at least $35,000 a year just to survive.”

Fuck that. There are people in third world countries who survive on $5 a week. Hell, even in America it’s possible to survive on significantly less than $35,000 a year. Personally, I think my friend needs to be a little more discriminate when he evaluates what he needs to survive. Working a job that doesn’t make him want to stick a fork in his eye should be closer to the top of his goddamn list.

I can’t get over how many people out there who seem content to bitch about life as opposed to actively working to change it. As a society, are we addicted to pain, depression, and drama? Or do we honestly feel helpless, weak, and ineffectual?

I honestly have no idea, but it’s putting me in a bad fucking mood

Day 96: Ultimate in Unfair

The Ultimate in Unfair

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

– Bertrand Russell (1872-1970), English philosopher, author, 1950 Nobel Prize-winner in Literature



This photograph showing a starving Sudanese child being stalked by a vulture won Kevin Carter the 1994 Pulitzer Prize for feature photography. Kevin Carter lived from 1960 until 1994.





Kevin Carter, the South African photographer whose image of a starving Sudanese toddler stalked by a vulture won him a Pulitzer Prize this year, was found dead on Wednesday night, apparently a suicide, police said yesterday. He was 33. The police said Mr Carter's body and several letters to friends and family were discovered in his pick-up truck, parked in a Johannesburg suburb. An inquest showed that he had died of carbon monoxide poisoning.

Mr Carter started as a sports photographer in 1983 but soon moved to the front lines of South African political strife, recording images of repression, anti-apartheid protest and fratricidal violence. A few davs after winning his Pulitzer Prize in April, Mr Carter was nearby when one of his closest friends and professional companions, Ken Oosterbroek, was shot dead photographing a gun battle in Tokoza township.

Friends said Mr Carter was a man of tumultuous emotions which brought passion to his work but also drove him to extremes of elation and depression. Last year, saying he needed a break from South Africa's turmoil, he paid his own way to the southern Sudan to photograph a civil war and famine that he felt the world was overlooking.

His picture of an emaciated girl collapsing on the way to a feeding centre, as a plump vulture lurked in the background, was published first in The New York Times and The Mail & Guardian, a Johannesburg weekly. The reaction to the picture was so strong that The New York Times published an unusual editor's note on the fate of the girl. Mr Carter said she resumed her trek to the feeding centre. He chased away the vulture.

Afterwards, he told an interviewer, he sat under a tree for a long time, "smoking cigarettes and crying". His father, Mr Jimmy Carter laid last night: "Kevin always carried around the horror of the work he did." - The New York Times

Source: Sydney Morning Herald Saturday 30 July 1994

What are the odds the little girl is alive today? Not very high, I'd say.

If she is alive, what quality of life is she likely to have? She almost certainly has permanent damage from her period of starvation during crucial development, both before and after birth. It is easy to criticise Kevin Carter.

Why? Because he took a photo of one starving child among thousands? Let those who send all their spare cash to the needy cast the first stone...

-----------------------------------

THE LIFE AND DEATH OF KEVIN CARTER

Visiting Sudan, a little-known photographer took a picture that made the world weep. What happened afterward is a tragedy of another sort.

The image presaged no celebration: a child barely alive, a vulture so eager for carrion. Yet the photograph that epitomized Sudan's famine would win Kevin Carter fame - and hopes for anchoring a career spent hounding the news, free-lancing in war zones, waiting anxiously for assignments amid dire finances, staying in the line of fire for that one great picture.

On May 23, 14 months after capturing that memorable scene, Carter walked up to the dais in the classical rotunda of Columbia University's Low Memorial Library and received the Pulitzer Prize for feature photography.

The South African soaked up the attention. "I swear I got the most applause of anybody," Carter wrote back to his parents in Johannesburg. "I can't wait to show you the trophy. It is the most precious thing, and the highest acknowledgment of my work I could receive."

Carter was feted at some of the most fashionable spots in New York City. Restaurant patrons, overhearing his claim to fame, would come up and ask for his autograph. Photo editors at the major magazines wanted to meet the new hotshot, dressed in his black jeans and T shirts, with the tribal bracelets and diamond-stud earring, with the war-weary eyes and tales from the front lines of Nelson Mandela's new South Africa.

Carter signed with Sygma, a prestigious picture agency representing 200 of the world's best photojournalists. "It can be a very glamorous business," says Sygma's U.S. director, Eliane Laffont. "It's very hard to make it, but Kevin is one of the few who really broke through. The pretty girls were falling for him, and everybody wanted to hear what he had to say."

There would be little time for that. Two months after receiving his Pulitzer, Carter would be dead of carbon-monoxide poisoning in Johannesburg, a suicide at 33. His red pickup truck was parked near a small river where he used to play as a child; a green garden hose attached to the vehicle's exhaust funneled the fumes inside. "I'm really, really sorry," he explained in a note left on the passenger seat beneath a knapsack. "The pain of life overrides the joy to the point that joy does not exist."

How could a man who had moved so many people with his work end up a suicide so soon after his great triumph? The brief obituaries that appeared around the world suggested a morality tale about a person undone by the curse of fame. The details, however, show how fame was only the final, dramatic sting of a death foretold by Carter's personality, the pressure to be first where the action is, the fear that his pictures were never good enough, the existential lucidity that came to him from surviving violence again and again - and the drugs he used to banish that lucidity. If there is a paramount lesson to be drawn from Carter's meteoric rise and fall, it is that tragedy does not always have heroic dimensions. "I have always had it all at my feet," read the last words of his suicide note, "but being me just fit up anyway."

First, there was history. Kevin Carter was born in 1960, the year Nelson Mandela's African National Congress was outlawed. Descended from English immigrants, Carter was not part of the Afrikaner mainstream that ruled the country. Indeed, its ideology appalled him. Yet he was caught up in its historic misadventure.

His devoutly Roman Catholic parents, Jimmy and Roma, lived in Parkmore, a tree-lined Johannesburg suburb - and they accepted apartheid. Kevin, however, like many of his generation, soon began to question it openly. "The police used to go around arresting black people for not carrying their passes," his mother recalls. "They used to treat them very badly, and we felt unable to do anything about it. But Kevin got very angry about it. He used to have arguments with his father. "Why couldn't we do something about it? Why didn't we go shout at those police?' "

Though Carter insisted he loved his parents, he told his closest friends his childhood was unhappy. As a teenager, he found his thrills riding motorcycles and fantasized about becoming a race-car driver. After graduating from a Catholic boarding school in Pretoria in 1976, Carter studied pharmacy before dropping out with bad grades a year later. Without a student deferment, he was conscripted into the South African Defense Force, where he found upholding the apartheid regime loathsome. Once, after he took the side of a black mess-hall waiter, some Afrikaans-speaking soldiers called him a kaffir-boetie ("nigger lover") and beat him up. In 1980 Carter went absent without leave, rode a motorcycle to Durban and, calling himself David, became a disk jockey. He longed to see his family but felt too ashamed to return. One day after he lost his job, he swallowed scores of sleeping pills, pain-killers and rat poison. He survived. He returned to the S.A.D.F. to finish his service and was injured in 1983 while on guard duty at air force headquarters in Pretoria. A bomb attributed to the A.N.C. had exploded, killing 19 people. After leaving the service, Carter got a job at a camera supply shop and drifted into journalism, first as a weekend sports photographer for the Johannesburg Sunday Express. When riots began sweeping the black townships in 1984, Carter moved to the Johannesburg Star and aligned himself with the crop of young, white photojournalists who wanted to expose the brutality of apartheid - a mission that had once been the almost exclusive calling of South Africa's black photographers. "They put themselves in face of danger, were arrested numerous times, but never quit. They literally were willing to sacrifice themselves for what they believed in," says American photojournalist James Nachtwey, who frequently worked with Carter and his friends. By 1990, civil war was raging between Mandela's A.N.C. and the Zulu-supported Inkatha Freedom Party. For whites, it became potentially fatal to work the townships alone. To diminish the dangers, Carter hooked up with three friends - Ken Oosterbroek of the Star and free-lancers Greg Marinovich and Joao Silva - and they began moving through Soweto and Tokoza at dawn. If a murderous gang was going to shoot up a bus, throw someone off a train or cut up somebody on the street, it was most likely to happen as township dwellers began their journeys to work in the soft, shadowy light of an African morning. The four became so well known for capturing the violence that Living, a Johannesburg magazine, dubbed them "the Bang-Bang Club."

Even with the teamwork, however, cruising the townships was often a perilous affair. Well-armed government security forces used excessive firepower. The chaotic hand-to-hand street fighting between black factions involved AK-47s, spears and axes. "At a funeral some mourners caught one guy, hacked him, shot him, ran over him with a car and set him on fire," says Silva, describing a typical encounter. "My first photo showed this guy on the ground as the crowd told him they were going to kill him. We were lucky to get away."

Sometimes it took more than a camera and camaraderie to get through the work. Marijuana, known locally as dagga, is widely available in South Africa. Carter and many other photojournalists smoked it habitually in the townships, partly to relieve tension and partly to bond with gun-toting street warriors. Although he denied it, Carter, like many hard-core dagga users, moved on to something more dangerous: smoking the "white pipe," a mixture of dagga and Mandrax, a banned tranquilizer containing methaqualone. It provides an intense, immediate kick and then allows the user to mellow out for an hour or two.

By 1991, working on the dawn patrol had paid off for one of the Bang-Bang Club. Marinovich won a Pulitzer for his September 1990 photographs of a Zulu being stabbed to death by A.N.C. supporters. That prize raised the stakes for the rest of the club - especially Carter. And for Carter other comparisons cropped up. Though Oosterbroek was his best friend, they were, according to Nachtwey, "like the polarities of personality types. Ken was the successful photographer with the loving wife. His life was in order." Carter had bounced from romance to romance, fathering a daughter out of wedlock. In 1993 Carter headed north of the border with Silva to photograph the rebel movement in famine-stricken Sudan. To make the trip, Carter had taken a leave from the Weekly Mail and borrowed money for the air fare. Immediately after their plane touched down in the village of Ayod, Carter began snapping photos of famine victims. Seeking relief from the sight of masses of people starving to death, he wandered into the open bush. He heard a soft, high-pitched whimpering and saw a tiny girl trying to make her way to the feeding center. As he crouched to photograph her, a vulture landed in view. Careful not to disturb the bird, he positioned himself for the best possible image. He would later say he waited about 20 minutes, hoping the vulture would spread its wings. It did not, and after he took his photographs, he chased the bird away and watched as the little girl resumed her struggle. Afterward he sat under a tree, lit a cigarette, talked to God and cried. "He was depressed afterward," Silva recalls. "He kept saying he wanted to hug his daughter."

After another day in Sudan, Carter returned to Johannesburg. Coincidentally, the New York Times, which was looking for pictures of Sudan, bought his photograph and ran it on March 26, 1993. The picture immediately became an icon of Africa's anguish. Hundreds of people wrote and called the Times asking what had happened to the child (the paper reported that it was not known whether she reached the feeding center); and papers around the world reproduced the photo. Friends and colleagues complimented Carter on his feat. His self-confidence climbed.

Carter quit the Weekly Mail and became a free-lance photojournalist - an alluring but financially risky way of making a living, providing no job security, no health insurance and no death benefits. He eventually signed up with the Reuter news agency for a guarantee of roughly $2,000 a month and began to lay plans for covering his country's first multiracial elections in April. The next few weeks, however, would bring depression and self-doubt, only momentarily interrupted by triumph.

The troubles started on March 11. Carter was covering the unsuccessful invasion of Bophuthatswana by white right-wing vigilantes intent on propping up a black homeland, a showcase of apartheid. Carter found himself just feet away from the summary execution of right-wingers by a black "Bop" policeman. "Lying in the middle of the gunfight," he said, "I was wondering about which millisecond next I was going to die, about putting something on film they could use as my last picture."

His pictures would eventually be splashed across front pages around the world, but he came away from the scene in a funk. First, there was the horror of having witnessed murder. Perhaps as importantly, while a few colleagues had framed the scene perfectly, Carter was reloading his camera with film just as the executions took place. "I knew I had missed this f--- shot," he said subsequently. "I drank a bottle of bourbon that night."

At the same time, he seemed to be stepping up his drug habit, including smoking the white pipe. A week after the Bop executions, he was seen staggering around while on assignment at a Mandela rally in Johannesburg. Later he crashed his car into a suburban house and was thrown in jail for 10 hours on suspicion of drunken driving. His superior at Reuter was furious at having to go to the police station to recover Carter's film of the Mandela event. Carter's girlfriend, Kathy Davidson, a schoolteacher, was even more upset. Drugs had become a growing issue in their one-year relationship. Over Easter, she asked Carter to move out until he cleaned up his life.

With only weeks to go before the elections, Carter's job at Reuter was shaky, his love life was in jeopardy and he was scrambling to find a new place to live. And then, on April 12, 1994, the New York Times phoned to tell him he had won the Pulitzer. As jubilant Times foreign picture editor Nancy Buirski gave him the news, Carter found himself rambling on about his personal problems. "Kevin!" she interrupted, "You've just won a Pulitzer! These things aren't going to be that important now."

Early on Monday, April 18, the Bang-Bang Club headed out to Tokoza township, 10 miles from downtown Johannesburg, to cover an outbreak of violence. Shortly before noon, with the sun too bright for taking good pictures, Carter returned to the city. Then on the radio he heard that his best friend, Oosterbroek, had been killed in Tokoza. Marinovich had been gravely wounded. Oosterbroek's death devastated Carter, and he returned to work in Tokoza the next day, even though the violence had escalated. He later told friends that he and not Ken "should have taken the bullet."

New York was a respite. By all accounts, Carter made the most of his first visit to Manhattan. The Times flew him in and put him up at the Marriott Marquis just off Times Square. His spirits soaring, he took to calling New York "my town."

With the Pulitzer, however, he had to deal not only with acclaim but also with the critical focus that comes with fame. Some journalists in South Africa called his prize a "fluke," alleging that he had somehow set up the tableau. Others questioned his ethics. "The man adjusting his lens to take just the right frame of her suffering," said the St. Petersburg (Florida) Times, "might just as well be a predator, another vulture on the scene." Even some of Carter's friends wondered aloud why he had not helped the girl.

Carter was painfully aware of the photojournalist's dilemma. "I had to think visually," he said once, describing a shoot-out. "I am zooming in on a tight shot of the dead guy and a splash of red. Going into his khaki uniform in a pool of blood in the sand. The dead man's face is slightly gray. You are making a visual here. But inside something is screaming, "My God.' But it is time to work. Deal with the rest later. If you can't do it, get out of the game." Says Nachtwey, "Every photographer who has been involved in these stories has been affected. You become changed forever. Nobody does this kind of work to make themselves feel good. It is very hard to continue."

Carter did not look forward to going home. Summer was just beginning in New York, but late June was still winter in South Africa, and Carter became depressed almost as soon as he got off the plane. "Joburg is dry and brown and cold and dead, and so damn full of bad memories and absent friends," he wrote in a letter never mailed to a friend, Esquire picture editor Marianne Butler in New York.

Nevertheless, Carter carefully listed story ideas and faxed some of them off to Sygma. Work did not proceed smoothly. Though it was not his fault, Carter felt guilty when a bureaucratic foul-up caused the cancellation of an interview by a writer from Parade magazine, a Sygma client, with Mandela in Cape Town. Then came an even more unpleasant experience. Sygma told Carter to stay in Cape Town and cover French President Francois Mitterrand's state visit to South Africa. The story was spot news, but according to editors at Sygma's Paris office, Carter shipped his film too late to be of use. In any case, they complained, the quality of the photos was too poor to offer to Sygma's clients.

According to friends, Carter began talking openly about suicide. Part of his anxiety was over the Mitterrand assignment. But mostly he seemed worried about money and making ends meet. When an assignment in Mozambique for TIME came his way, he eagerly accepted. Despite setting three alarm clocks to make his early-morning flight on July 20, he missed the plane. Furthermore, after six days in Mozambique, he walked off his return flight to Johannesburg, leaving a package of undeveloped film on his seat. He realized his mistake when he arrived at a friend's house. He raced back to the airport but failed to turn up anything. Carter was distraught and returned to the friend's house in the morning, threatening to smoke a white pipe and gas himself to death.

Carter and a friend, Judith Matloff, 36, an American correspondent for Reuter, dined on Mozambican prawns he had brought back. He was apparently too ashamed to tell her about the lost film. Instead they discussed their futures. Carter proposed forming a writer-photographer free-lance team and traveling Africa together.

On the morning of Wednesday, July 27, the last day of his life, Carter appeared cheerful. He remained in bed until nearly noon and then went to drop off a picture that had been requested by the Weekly Mail. In the paper's newsroom, he poured out his anguish to former colleagues, one of whom gave him the number of a therapist and urged him to phone her.

The last person to see Carter alive, it seems, was Oosterbroek's widow, Monica. As night fell, Carter turned up unannounced at her home to vent his troubles. Still recovering from her husband's death three months earlier, she was in little condition to offer counsel. They parted at about 5:30 p.m.

The Braamfonteinspruit is a small river that cuts southward through Johannesburg's northern suburbs - and through Parkmore, where the Carters once lived. At around 9 p.m., Kevin Carter backed his red Nissan pickup truck against a blue gum tree at the Field and Study Center. He had played there often as a little boy. The Sandton Bird Club was having its monthly meeting there, but nobody saw Carter as he used silver gaffer tape to attach a garden hose to the exhaust pipe and run it to the passenger-side window. Wearing unwashed Lee jeans and an Esquire T shirt, he got in and switched on the engine. Then he put music on his Walkman and lay over on his side, using the knapsack as a pillow.

The suicide note he left behind is a litany of nightmares and dark visions, a clutching attempt at autobiography, self-analysis, explanation, excuse. After coming home from New York, he wrote, he was "depressed . . . without phone . . . money for rent . . . money for child support . . . money for debts . . . money!!! . . . I am haunted by the vivid memories of killings & corpses & anger & pain . . . of starving or wounded children, of trigger-happy madmen, often police, of killer executioners . . . " And then this: "I have gone to join Ken if I am that lucky."

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Day 93.5: Even Better Quote from the Greatest Arts Professor

Feeling deprived of my beautiful sleep
Listening to DMT workshop directions on creating a website on Segue
It's 5:59 PM

"Where's Stephanie? .... Damn her!"

-Penny Campbell, looking for Stephanie and finding out that she's absent

Day 93: EMT FML

Feeling crazy
It's crazy
Listening to Matt Darey - Nocturnal Sunshine Podcast 7

One Feb classmate of mine, Matthew George, is an Emergency Medical Technician (a.k.a. EMT) volunteer. When he is on duty, he is required to carry around a radio so that he can respond to medical emergencies in town.

It's 6:25 AM and he's working on his homework that he needs to finish up really soon. We're actually both together in the media lab in the library.

His radio buzzes, and immediately he yells, "FUCK MY LIFE!" And he goes away.

I laugh.

Funny. Sad. Depressing.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Day 92: The Best Quote by a Middlebury College Professor Ever

Feeling ready to pass out!
Listening to Matt Darey - Nocturnal Sunshine Podcast 49
It's 1:55 AM

I'm feeling pretty happy and depressed at the same time, because I have so much to do!! I wish I was in Bangkok, Thailand right now, or even Korea would be fine. SIGH!

Again, more quotes from my Creative Process professor, Penny!!

"I've had some lame ass final projects."
-Penny Campbell, recalling memories on past final projects

"Way to communicate that little mother fucker!"
-Penny Campbell, commenting on a student's solo improv with recycled material-instruments

Monday, May 4, 2009

Day 90.5: Swine Flu - Why You Shouldn't Worry

The whole world is trembling on its knees again. This time, it's due to the swine flu. Yay. But seriously, what's the big deal?

Guest Author:
Kathleen Crowley @ KathleenCrowleyCostumeCouture

I have to write this.

At the risk of pissing some people off - and not to disrespect or in any way create grief for those who have been affected or lost a loved one, almost 40,000 people in the U.S. alone die from the flu or flu related symptoms each year. At least those are the statistics Ive been seeing. (and for some reason, now I cant find these statistics anymore online.......hmmmmmmmmmmmm)

So WTF? Now people are afraid to come to Tribal Fest because of the flu? People, people people............the AIDS virus is still running rampant, and people are still not using condoms..........Mad cow disease is still found in our meat supply...........the bubonic plague has been controled, yes, but is still alive and well. Nobody wants to get sick, but lets get this widespread flu panic thing under control and get real. Even those who should know better are panicking. Lets keep the panic about other things, shall we? The world economy. The lies we are force fed each and every day. The pesticides ingrained in the seeds that our food sources come from. The monoplization of patents for cloning life. Cloning life!!!!!!!!!!! The relatively undrinkable water that we have to drink every day. Cancer from our toxic lifestyles. Global warming. AIDS. Where is the worldwide hysterical panic in all of that????????????????????????????

Wash your hands for fucks sake and don't touch your face. I'm more concerned about all the literal crap that goes into processing our food or the deforestation and decimation of the rain forests.

We're all gonna die, folks. Every single last one of us. From an asteroid, or solar flames, or an earthquake, a clogged artery, or a virus. The list is long, my friends.
We are probably due for a global cleansing very soon, but every time there is a scare, not much happens, does it. It will one day, though. I think we are all aware that it happened in the early 1900's and it will happen again. If this is it, I want to keep living til it hits me. I will not quake in fear.

If we had a healthier planet, we wouldn't have so much pestulance to worry about. And actually, this is natures' way of keeping the population of humans in check anyway. Its not working anymore, is it, though Gods knows Mother Nature tries.

Unless you have an autoimmune system that is easily compromised, lets get on the plane. Wash Hands. Use your antibacterial gels. Or even wear a surgical mask. Use common sense. You may or may not get sick. Last time I went overseas, I got very sick and had to dance anyway. But it wont stop me from getting on a plane next time.

Lets dance and shop and have fun! I seriously doubt you will die from the flu. Not here. Not now. Lets not let ourselves be distracted from things that get overlooked when the media seizes upon an opportunity to distract us! You know what I'm talking about!

Day 90: Low-Income, High-Income

Feeling drowsy
Listening to Matt Darey - Nocturnal Sunshine Podcast 50
It's 12:20 AM
I'm still in the media lab


I think there's something wrong with international economies. Here's a quote from a recent article in New York Times:
To Mr. Jack, unlike many of his classmates, food stamps are not an abstraction. His family has had to use them in emergencies. His mother raised three children as a single parent and earns $26,000 a year as a school security guard.
His mom works as a school security guard and makes $26,000 a year. My father is a marketing manager in Vietnam and he makes less than that.

Ding dong?

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Day 89: Assholes in Middlebury College & Elsewhere

Feeling angry
Listening to Matt Darey - Nocturnal Sunshine Podcast 50
It's 8:34 PM
Can't believe it's May already

I have been in Middlebury College for 97 days, a little over three months, and I used to think that my school was a very nice place, a very welcoming environment (for the most part); apart from the race and rich-spoiled-kid issues, my mind never wandered off into the blackhole region of college kids being complete dicks.

Ever.

Until today.

There is a high school girl who works part-time in the dish washing room of one of the cafeterias in Middlebury College.

I like getting to know the names of people that I work with, because it creates a more friendly environment to work in. I was working in the dish room that day as well, so I proceeded to introduce myself to her.

Surprisingly, as I approached her, she asked first. "Hey, what's your name?"

I told her she could call me Bo. Then I asked her what her name was.

"Why?" she snapped.

I thought for a moment, because I knew she wasn't trying to be hostile.

"So I wouldn't have to call you 'hey' all the time, you know?"

"'Hey' is fine."

"Okay, Hey. That's cool with me."

She laughs. I guess that that was the way it was going to be for a while.

A moment later, she drops and breaks a bowl while trying to move a few trays in the dish room. Hey breaks out in anger and frustration. "Dammit!!" Slowly, she goes on to pick up the broken pieces of china with a broom and a dustpan.

She must be having a rough day. So, out of sympathy, I comment, "Having a rough day, huh?"

She stands up straight, with the broom in her left hand and the dustpan in the other, and sighs. She nods. With a tired voice, she finally opens her mouth, "Do you want me to tell you my name?"

Strange to ask me that now.

I stop unloading the dishes from the racks. I give her a half-smiling, half-confused look. "Uhhh, I don't see anything wrong with that."

"You ... can call me 'bitch'," she declares.

"...."

I didn't know what to say. A pause. "Uhh.. Why would you want me to call you that?"

"Because everyone calls me a bitch." Hey's voice quivers slightly.

It felt somewhat out of place to continue the personal talk in the dish room, but this was too interesting to let go just because the back of my mind yelled out something to me.

"Will you tell me why?"

You could definitely sense a mix of anger in her tone. "You wouldn't understand. Nobody would understand."

"Oh..." Again, I had nothing to say.

But Hey didn't care. She didn't give a damn.

She was on the verge of snapping, and what she needed was to just vent and let it out... that she has been taking landscaping classes since a couple years ago, and recently, started working part-time for a small landscaping business around Middlebury.

Hey's workplace is supposedly full of lazy slackers. So, she does more work than she is supposed to do, and plain right pissed off because of this, she tells the slackers off.

Okay, guess what they call her because of that.

Wait for it...

Wait for it.....

Wait.......

You got it.

Her coworkers call her a bitch.

They call her a bitch just because she is a responsible person.

They call her a bitch just because she is diligent in what she does.

They call her a bitch just because she is a hard worker, has great work ethics, and feels that people shouldn't get paid for slacking off.

Because of the way she gets treated for her persistent effort in her work, Hey is the person who she is right now, rife with bitterness and a sour attitude.

Way to go, people. Way to go. Isn't society overflowing with trash?

Anyway, time passes and it's 8:20 PM. It's way past time to get ready to close down the cafeteria. For the dish room people to leave by 8:45 PM, they must wash all the dishes, cups, racks and utensils, clean the place up and stack everything outside. But this can never be possible if all the dishes and utensils are not returned by 8:00 PM. That's why cafeteria hours are until 8:00 PM and not a minute later.

And guess what! It's 8:20 PM and there are still groups of people in the cafeteria, still chatting and eating. This means we're probably going to leave work pretty late. This definitely pisses Hey off.

There are four people working in the dish room, and Hey decides to be the one who kicks the people out.

So she goes.

So she goes to a table where a half dozen guys are sitting.

She is dying to get back home as soon as the clock hits 8:45 PM, but she keeps her cool.

"Hey, we're closing, so it would be really great if you guys could return the dishes."

The two boys closest to her just nod. "Uh-huh." And they continue their conservation with each other.

What in the hell happened? Hey does not understand what just happened. She presses on.

"I mean, we are closing right now."

"Uh-huh."

Oh, the frustration!

"And we need to wash the dishes, like right now."

"Uh-huh." (I'm not making any part of this story up)

She raises her voice a little bit.

"Really, we need the dishes so we can close down."

"Uh-huh."

Hey is about to snap anytime now.

"No, you don't understand. The cafeteria's closed and we really, really need the dishes so we can wash them and close the place down."

"Uhhh-huh."

She cracks.

"Alright. I've told you guys already that we need the dishes. The cafeteria closes at eight, and it's eight twenty right now. We really need your dishes so we can close down the cafeteria, and go home so we can continue on with our fucking lives. The longer you stay here and the longer you hold on to your dishes, the longer we have to stay here and the longer we have to wait until we can get on with our fucking lives!"

"Uh-huh."

The boys did not hear anything of what she said. Seething with frustration, Hey gives up.

But just as she turns to walk away, you could clearly hear one of the boys say, albeit a little too loudly, "What a bitch."

Hey hears this as well. And I bet you that she went back home crying in pure anger.

Just because she was doing her job.

Just because she was doing her stupid job, she gets this.

Way to go, Middlebury College. Way to go. Not just full of judgmental racists and rich spoiled kids, but also douchebags as well.

And "douchebag" would be an understatement.