D+86 Tell Me

Andre Crom

Some words spoken in the area of life
Show me you can get the fire right
The night when we will burn oh so bright
So tell me, tell me

And you will see
Sometime that it's coming over me
The vibrance won't live without you and me
It's gonna raise your arms and set you free, set you free
So tell me, tell me

D+85 Sometimes

Sometimes I get lonely. But when sadness overwhelms me, I remember that sometimes isn’t always and sometimes is not forever.

Sometimes I cry because hurt causes me to shed tears and when the pain gets too much, I have to remind myself that sometimes isn’t always and sometimes is not forever.

And sometimes we go through hard times and just when I think that I wanna give up, I give myself hope and acknowledge that sometimes isn’t always and sometimes is not forever.

Sometimes I miss you and I ache to be near you. And when I feel that it would be eternity before I see you again, I’m reminded that sometimes isn’t always. Sometimes is not forever.

Sometimes I feel frustrated that things don’t happen as quickly as I would like them to. And then patience taps me on the shoulder and whispers in my ear “Sometimes isn’t always. Sometimes is not forever”.

But you know, if sometimes meant forever, if sometimes meant always, then I love you would be… Sometimes.

D+72 Fake Plastic Trees

Radiohead - Fake Plastic Trees

Her green plastic watering can
For her fake Chinese rubber plant
In fake plastic earth
That she bought from a rubber man
In a town full of rubber plants
To get rid of itself

It wears her out, it wears her out
It wears her out, it wears her out

She lives with a broken man
A cracked polystyrene man
Who just crumbles and burns
He used to do surgery
For girls in the eighties
But gravity always wins

It wears him out, it wears him out
It wears him out, it wears him out

She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love
But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run

It wears me out, it wears me out
It wears me out, it wears me out

If I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted all the time

D+62 Kaskade - I Remember

Kaskade - I Remember

Feeling the past moving in 
Letting a new day begin
Hold to the time that you know
You don't have to move on to let go
 
Add to the memory you keep
Remember when you fall asleep
Hold to the love that you know
You don't have to give up to let go
 
Remember turning on the the night
And moving through the morning light 
Remember how it was with you
 
Remember how you pulled me 
Through, I remember 
Remember how you pulled me
Through, I remember

Add to the memory you keep 
Remember when you fall asleep
Hold to the love that you know
You don't have to give up to let go
 
Remember how it was with you 
Remember how you pulled me 
Through I remember feeling the past moving in 
Letting a new day begin
 
Hold to the time that you know 
You don't have to move on to let go 
Add to the memory you keep 
Remember when you fall asleep
 
Hold to the love that you know 
You don't have to give up to let go 
Remember turning on the the night 
And moving through the morning light 
Remember how it was with you

D+56 Ornette Crazy

Oh, what a day, all is wonderful here,
But you’re the one…. so we keep on working
I can’t see that trees are calling back the leaves,
…but I keep on working

Oh, oh, oh… I say no,
Please don’t go, oh, oh
It’s a little bit crazy with me!
Oh, oh, oh… I say no,
Please don’t go, oh, oh
It’s a little bit crazy with me!
But I’m here, with you!
And I share everything with you,
Cause it’s nothing you can’t change,
Everything remains the same,

Oh, what a day,… get easy today,
But you’re the one and me,
So we keep on working!
I can’t feel it the… why it’s…
It’s…. but I keep on going!

Don’t say no, please don’t go,
My heart is beating of,
For you and for me, so don’t say no, please don’t go!
Please don’t go,
My heart is beating of, for me and for you!
So please don’t go, please don’t go!
My heart is beating of,
For you and for me, so don’t say please don’t go!

D+53 Friends Come and Go

Friends will come and go. People change. Situations change, but don't let that deter you from making new friends

D+51 I Thinking About You

Woke up in the middle of the dark gasping
Another nightmare, another round of sweating
It was alright, t'was just another horror story inescapable
One after another, just a nightly cycle of the inevitable

When I saw you grinning again and running that game
Of playing these different rhythms that were all the same
And they all had nothing, that all said nothing but the bye
Of a verdict I would listen and wake up to defeated and sigh


They made me learn that after a certain period of time
I would've healed these bleeding wounds and turn out fine
But it all seems like a bloody lie when I find out
That I hurt and get twisted inside which it's you it's all about


I'm thinking, I'm thinking about you

You'll probably never believe how much I did and still do love you
It's not important anymore
If you insist on staying away
I'll just learn to survive
On thinking about you everyday.
 
Woke one morning with tears in my eyes cause you had left me without a kiss or a note or goodbye Now Ive got to learn to live alone, but my heart cant take it I guess that's why I wait by the phone

For a call, a call from you that says you need me back, just as much as I need you
But I guess for the time you need to stay away let me tell you baby how I'm thinking about you everyday

I keep thinking about the good times we had and how we let jealousy turn all we had good into bad Then I realize if we just try it again our love would work it out you'd be my girl I'd be your only man

Thinking about you girl
Thinking about you girl
Thinking about you girl
Thinking about you, thinking about you girl

Used to be when I saw you in the town I'd greet you with a smile, but from you all I'd get was a frown
But things have changed just like a revolution baby we talked on the phone without a fight I think I found the solution

I've heard before good things come to those who wait but if you think right now's not a good time don't you worry cause Ill just wait
I'll be patient one of a few who can survive, survive just thinking of you

I keep thinking about all the love we made and how no other girl can love me that way then I realized if we just try it again our love would work you'd be my girl and I'd be your only man

Thinking about you girl
Thinking about you girl
Thinking about you girl
Thinking about you, thinking about you girl

Still have your picture and I look at it everyday I really don't know why girl when all the think does is drive me crazy But Ive dealt with pain before, to me its nothing new and I'm sure you can testify how this pain has some how hurt you to

I'm so sorry for all the tears and pain I did and said a lot of things that make me fell really ashamed But I was young back then didn't know that I was wrong but Ive grown to be the man you wanted that other young punk is dead and gone

I keep thinking just how wonderful you were to keep on trying even thought I broke your heart baby but listen girl my love was always true you probably don't believe it but I did and I do love you

Thinking about you girl
Thinking about you girl
Thinking about you girl
Thinking about you, thinking about you girl

D+47 I Don't Want to Set the World on Fire

The Ink Spots - I Don't Want to Set the World on Fire

I don't want to set the world on fire
I just want to start a flame in your heart
In my heart I have but one desire
And that one is you
No other will do

I've lost all ambition for worldly acclaim
I just want to be the one you love
And with your admission that you feel the same
I will have reached the goal I've been dreaming of

Believe me!
I don't want to set the world on fire
I just want to start a flame in your heart

D+38 Timing

기다리는것, 만남을 설레며 준비하는 것,
인간과 인간이 진짜 대화를 나눈다는 것,
누군가를 위해 기도한다는 것,
서로 가식없이 만난다는 것이 무엇인지 알았습니다.

사랑 받아본 사람만이 사랑할 수 있고,

용서 받아본 사람만이 용서할 수 있다는 걸 알았습니다.

하지만
미친듯이 끌리고 사랑하고 싶어도
서로에게 적절한 시기가 아니고
기가막힌 타이밍이 아니면
어쩔 수 없는 것인가요

D+36 Betoko Raining Again

How do you feel when you wake up in the morning
And you look outside the window
And it's raining again
It's raining again
Raining again
Again
Again


Is it here to stay?

D+32 나이지리아 폭포처럼

그렇다.
그러니 시간이 흐르면 제자리를 찾아가는것이다.
빗물이 흘러서 쪼그만 또랑을 이루고 또 다른 물들과 만나 하천을 만들고 흘허 흘러 물길이 만들어지면 저절로 강물이 되고 바다가 되듯이, 이제 처음 시작한 두사람의 행보는 하늘에서 방금 쏟아진 빗물과 같은 것이다.
각자 다른 또랑으로 흘러도 나중에 강이든 하천이든 어느 물줄기에서든 만나게 될거고.
아니면 같은 땅에 내린 빗물로 어디든 한줄기로 함께 흐르다가도 지류가 갈라지는 곳에서 각자 다른 물길로 가게 된다는 뜻이다.

나이지리아 폭포가 한가지 물줄기가 아닌것처럼 여러곳에서 흘러든 물이지만 그 물이 폭포 아래서 한곳으로만 흐르지 않는다.

감나무 밑에 가서 아무리 기다려도 때가 되야 감이 열리고 익어야 딸수 있는 것 처럼.

시간이 흐르면 제자리를 찾아가는 것이다.

D+24 Autumn Leaves Drift By My Window

It's raining. It's cold. I can see my breath hang in the air for a second or two before it disappears. I trudge back to my place of rest after a tiring day of focusing on studies... Leaves of red and golden hues on the wet grass. Leaves. Autumn leaves. Why are you on the ground? Why so glum? You cannot hide your tears even in this rain. Where has summer gone? I miss you... I miss you, though I cannot say what makes me miss you more than the all the other ones that have passed by.

Autumn Leaves (Les Feuilles Muertes)

The falling leaves drift by my window
The autumn leaves of red and gold
I see your lips, and summer kisses
The sun-burnt hands I used to hold

Since you went away the days grow long
And soon I'll hear old winter's song
But I miss you most of all my darling
When autumn leaves start to fall

D+16

아프다는 말이야
널 보낸 내눈이 웃고있는 건
 
거짓말이란 말야
안녕을 말하며 괜찮다는 말 

가지말란 말이야
다른 사람이 생겨도 기억하란 말

그리워서
너무나 그리워서
내가 원망스럽다

좋겠단 말이다
기억 속밖에
사진 속밖에만 없는 이가 아니었으면

Returning #05

해병 선임의 글... 무슨 뜻일까? 무슨 의미일까?

이별을 기념하는 선물이예요.
너 겉으로 봐서는 아무렇지도 않아,
너 한번만 더 그딴소리 하면
유리동물이고 뭐고 다 깨부숴버릴거야,
알았어?

그 는 나에게 정말 특별했어요,
그런 따듯함은 처음이었거든요,
나는 어떨거라고 생각하세요?
과거로의 여행이죠,
내가 당신의 문제점을 알아볼까?

Returning #04

Opening my luggage case and emptying the few contents that I had in there. A belt. A mouthguard. A few novels. A beanie. 

It's time to pack again. And I hate this feeling. I'm so reluctant to go back to school.

Sigh.

Returning #03

I'm always more emotional during the night than during the day, so here is a little confession.

I'm sure some of you have - subconsciously or not - notice that I was becoming more and more detached as the day of "graduating" from summer school grew nearer and nearer. I couldn't help doing it - it almost felt natural - because it was a defense mechanism for myself to harden up in order to shield myself from having to cope with the sense of loss later... sense of losing a good group of people that I could laugh and drink with... that I could feel some sort of bond with - whatever that bond may be.

It's something you guys may have felt yourselves around the time of your high school graduation, where you wave goodbyes to both friends and acquaintances.

Fun times, fun times, though relatively few in comparison to what you guys had who lived at the dorms. At times, I find myself kicking myself for not having signed up for dormitory housing to save money. It's not the lectures we had to sit through and the essays we had to write that we will remember when we look back on the summer we had in Korea in 2012. Not the kinds of ice coffees we had, not the cafeteria lunch menus we had to translate and decide between, and definitely not what we exactly learned and had to memorize for the upcoming midterms and finals we were so worried about. We would remember the the short time we had venting about our classes, sharing our experiences about the new coffee flavored Raison cigarettes (and whether the animal logo was a cat or a kangaroo), and having a rad time drinking late into the night - almost every night. I just didn't approve of you guys drinking so much at that time, because I couldn't do the same. See why I am kicking myself for not signing up for dorms.

I guess this "little confession" is turning into a hyper-emotional letter for closure now -_-

I miss you guys, I guess. I hope you guys have a good time going back to school and starting another school year. Wish you the best, and stay healthy.

With much love
B

Returning #02

Mr. Linderman: You see, I think there comes a time when a man has to ask himself whether he wants a life of happiness or a life of meaning.

Nathan Petrelli : I'd like to think I have both.

Mr. Linderman : Can't be done. Two very different paths. I mean, to be truly happy, a man must live absolutely in the present. And with no thought of what's gone before, and no thought of what lies ahead. But, a life of meaning... A man is condemned to wallow in the past and obsess about the future. And my guess is that you've done quite a bit of obsessing about yours these last few days...

First time hearing that on Heroes, I had to stop the video and listen to it again; then, I had to look it up on the Internet and write it down on paper. Later, I had to list it under my favorite quotes on my Facebook profile. Think I had it up there for maybe four years before taking it down after coming out of the Marines. The quote wasn't something I couldn't agree with anymore, something I couldn't connect with anymore. It just wasn't... me.

But... four years. Why four years? It's quite a long period of time. Four years. Four fucking years.

Why didn't I have it on there for just a couple days? A few months? Maybe half a year? But four years... Why after the Marines? Has the Marines got anything at all to do with it? The Marines? Some military service? Fuck. I must be crazy to feel so?! Nobody else in the Marines thinks their 2 years of mandatory military service profoundly affects their life... To turn their views on life around. Maybe only the realization that life is actually nothing but fucking full of bullshit and hardships. Maybe the military teaches you that. Nothing else.

The Marines impacted me in ways.

Fuck that, they would say. The military is a shit waste of time, they would say. Why the fuck did you enlist in the Marines if you had the choice not to, they would ask. You're a dumbfuck, they would tell to my face. I applaud your Korean, nationalistic heart, but seriously, I don't understand why you enlisted, they would say with concerned looks on their faces. They would shake their head.

For the first year or so, I thought they were right. I believed them to be true. I believed that I was here by mistake, by my own error of judgment. I somehow made a wrong choice somewhere, they said. And so I became full of anguish, regret, and rage. I just shouldn't have joined. I shouldn't have enlisted. It was all a mistake, and I was angrily kicking myself for it... for wasting my two years of life away for something that I didn't even want to do in the first place? Now... Why? Why did I sign myself up for this? There must have been some reason - be it emotional or rational - that had me fill out that application. In Korean, there's a phrase "고생을 사서 한다" which means you willingly sign yourself up for difficulties and hardships. People used to tell me that before I went off to bootcamp, but I would simply brush it off. I would brush it off as if they were telling me something similar to... "Oh, hey, I admire your decision for doing something so admirable, but I'm just not going to make it plain and obvious." Maybe I should've taken better heed of their wisdom. Maybe I should have. Really.

Thanks, but I had my own reasons.

Why is it the Marines? Why after the Marines? Why does it have to be after the Marines? Why was my time there so significant? Was it because of the seemingly never-ending two years of pure anguish and agony? And all the times I had to spend alone at night fending off my own nightmares and personal demons? Silencing my own personal conversations and inquiries? Choking my own personal voice at times I needed them most? Did I do that in order for me to relieve myself from sleep deprivation and psychological stress? Was it just a self-defense mechanism for an individual struggling to stay sane and alive in the Corps? What was it for? Hmmm?

Sigh. I'm tired. I'm tired of asking myself questions for answers that I will never get. It's bordering on insanity, as I optimistically hope for some change like a fool. Maybe that's why I enlisted. I don't know. I don't even want to think about this.

I have to sit down sometimes and just ask myself why I feel a certain way towards something... like why I feel like I can connect with something some movie character said... or why I ... just feel angry towards myself. Or towards the world.

I think I wanted to have a life of meaning. Back then. I always thought that having meaning and substance in my life would be an eventual cause for natural happiness. Maybe meaning would've brought happiness with it.

But if meaning and satisfaction requires of a person so much, then... maybe... just maybe... a striving for a life of happiness wouldn't be so bad. Just enjoying the now. Enjoy what you have right now. It doesn't seem so bad. Not at all. At least... that's what they taught you in the Marines, right? Where's meaning and satisfaction in the military?

----------------------------------------

Fade to the darkness all the way

At the start gets, I hoped

That for once I had escaped the fakes, the snakes

Waste of time, so face to face

I'll be bold enough to throw

On an ish I belong to say, to say, to say

The fist is old, but this old

It's dead and ended now

I left all the reasons why

Why you should still be here

Go

Where did we go wrong?

I don't even like you now, like you

I'm not like you

You ain't what I want

And time will never work this out

Oh no, I've got coldIn the heart

Where did we go wrong?

I don't even like you now,

Forget you

Oh no, I've got cold

In the heart

Where did we go wrong?

I don't even like you now,

Forget you

I don't like you

All the way

Said not confused we're in the rain

It's a losing hand, fold

Why play on nothing to gain?

All on the rates

The fist is old, but this old

It's dead and ended now

I left all the reasons why

You shouldn't even be here

Go

Returning #01

Even "fuck" is not enough to translate my feelings and my emotions into words.

I fear depression will settle soon if I don't do anything about my current state of mind.

I have no living memory of having wept a single fucking tear in two years of hell, but I cannot understand nor do I believe why I almost broke down today. And it wasn't my philosophy text concerning personal identity and immortality - that shitty feeling can be overcome with deeper understanding.

NERVO - We're All No One

Caught this tune on the radio last night while on my laptop, and I just had to look up the lyrics this morning. Entrancing tune & lyrics, with the Airborne Tactics Remix.

_____________________________

You do your best. 
You take the fall.
You reminisce
About almost nearly having it all. 
 
You see the stars
You try and catch one ooooh
You tried so hard 
Chasing, nothing 
 
Because, We're all no one 'til someone thinks that we're someone 
'Til then we're no one And you got me looking at you 
 
I said we're all no one 'til someone thinks that we're someone 
'til then we're no one
And you got me looking at you, looking at you 
 
We're all the same
 We all have hopes 
Ohh it gets insane
When you're slipping down that downward slope 
I come with peace, I offer love. 
So if you're hearing me,
 Then hurry baby,
 Give it up...

Burying Luggage, Burying Memories

It's 1:08 AM
Feeling nostalgic
Listening to Soul Central - Strings of Life (Danny Krivit Re-Edit)

Not sure what the exact cause of it was, but I went on FB this afternoon and spent two hours going through most of my online photo albums and deleting them. Of course, there were a few gems here and there that I wanted to keep as memoirs of my past - both joyful and sad - experiences; those I organized them into neat little categories and saved them from being erased from memory of mankind.

But... this 'deletion' itself was bitter in taste from start to finish.

I could remember all the events, all the persons, all the objects, all the inside jokes, and all the memory triggers inside the pictures. Anyone could, if they've ever used a camera. For the sake of moving on, I felt it natural for me to bury my unnecessary luggage behind. Too many people that I know I would not ever meet in life again. Too many pictures of the same, generic events. It's mentally and emotionally burdening for me to carry them with me, so I chose to compress them as much as I could, maybe a picture or two for every 'moment'.

But it struck me.

Once they were gone,  they were gone. Forever. I won't be remembering this detail and that from just pure memory. They were imprinted on those photos, and those details will be gone. Those faces, those clothes, those people... gone. Who will remember them? Not me. I'm just... gonna drop them here and walk on. Maybe I would remember in a dream someday in the future. Maybe somebody else will remember them.

Would we watch a video of our lives with our friends after we die? Would we remember each other? Would we smile and laugh?

Yeah... I had a moment as I was deleting those photos. Heavy day today.

Notice to You

You. You from Bangkok, Thailand, who uses Safari and Apple OS X to visit my blog.

Why do you keep visiting my blog? I don't write anymore. There is no point in writing publicly for me.

Ost & Kjex - Continental Lover

Cookie was a girl, she had a lot of class
Sexy legs and a lovely ass
But she was by herself
By herself

Serge made a living as a gigolo
He spent his summers down in Monaco
And he was by himself
By himself

Biscuit grew up in a factory
Ten thousand crackers were his family
But he felt all by himself
He felt all by himself

Cheesy spent his evenings in a restaurant
Working with a Brie , they said she was his aunt
But he felt all by himself
He felt all by himself

They first met in lé Casino
Searching for a future they did not know
And they were by themselves
All came looking for a piece of gold
Little did they know what was to unfold
And they were by themselves
By themselves

Cookie sat down by the roulette
Cheesy was laid down next to a crème brulee
No longer by himself
By himself

As Sergé passed by the roulette
He saw the woman of his fantasies
No longer by myself
I’ll be no longer by myself

He said
Don’t you know I think that you’re sexy
Don’t you know I think that you’re sexy
Don’t you know I think that you’re sexy
Don’t you know that I think that you’re sexy

Cookie put her money on twenty-one
It brought back memories of when she was young
And she was by herself
By herself

Sergé he put his money on twenty-two
And whispered slowly, I love you
He felt all by himself
He felt all by himself He felt all by himself

a tribute to 2011

To the birds that I know, with those wings, what does it feel like to fly so care free? Why cannot my heart find peace for the past year and a half? If I traded something I valued for your wings, then would that bring back that smile to my life? I wouldn't know what to do if I had nowhere to turn to.