Day 326: Thanks

Give thanks.
Give thanks for the adversities we go through because without them, we wouldn't be able to experience joy or be aware of all the goodness we are blessed with.

Day 321: Glass Cannon

“I am glad that I paid so little attention to good advice; had I abided by it I might have been saved from some of my most valuable mistakes.”

-Gene Fowler

Through all the rushing hustles
And the hustling rushes
And during raucous silences
And hush-hush commotions
With the chittering chatters
And the mindless mutterings
Of your matterful matters
On vowelful platters
Of all sorts of shapes
And colors and hues
And sizes
And smells
I wrinkle my nose
Then formulate my prose
Of what I ought
But not naught
To be
To see
To do
To undo
I ponder for moment
Just for a little while
Just to take a breath
Just for a wee while
Should I motion a motion?
To pronounce a notion
Especially a question
That I would like to protest
That my hopes
Many of them
Maybe dreams
Some I do have
My aspirations
My wishes
Few in mind
Though nice at first
Are they all
After all
But a waste?

Sometimes, I am filled with suitable ideas of what I want to do later in life. After all, I don't want to be stuck in a career that I absolutely detest. I wouldn't want to work in some financial firm, even though I might make bank and get to do a lot of things that I want to do later in life. But where's the sense in that? I would much rather team up with others in some NGO and do some developmental work in a third world country.

But the more and more I relish on such thoughts, I find myself asking that ugly and dreadful question, "What if this/that is not what I'm meant to do?"

I feel like a glass cannon much at times. Being fearless can, after all, lead to undesirable outcomes. I'm totally not afraid of doing what I'm meant to do or what I passionately want to achieve, but what I am afraid of is being wrong. I feel that being wrong about it when you're 40 years down into life is just horrible.

Day 298: You and I

from reddit
by arcadeguy

Here's my favorite memory that took place with you and, likely, my favorite memory of all of my memories:

It was the day you drove down to visit me in the Dells after we had recently broken up. I had worked 35 hours the previous three consecutive days. You arrived, and I got to introduce you to my friends, and then we went grocery shopping and came back to the apartment to make dinner and watch a movie.

I am trying so hard to articulate the significance of that day to you, yet I am completely failing. Ever since I can remember, I have worried incessantly about finding a career that I enjoyed because I could not imagine going to work each day unhappy with it. But that one day with you, that single, bracketed eight hours of time with you hit me over the head with this brick of clarity -- that I was so content with spending the rest of my time with you that very little else mattered at all. I had an amazing family and an equally wonderful few friends, and you. Whether I disliked anything else would never have mattered again because, at the end of it, I would have been able to come home to you. Sweet, funny, beautiful, loving, wonderful you. That was it. After all of my worrying, job-switching, moving, idle days, you made everything make sense and be okay. Better than okay.

You were so young, and I was so naive to think that, at that point in time, it would all just magically work out. I am, more than you could believe, so sorry that you had to go through all that and that I wasn't responsible enough to think more with my head and less with my heart. I would never say that I wish I could go back and change any of it, but I'm still sorry. Additionally, I am sorry that I've allowed talks like this to go on for the past two years. There is no part of me anymore that wants (or believes we could) simply pick up where we left off. There's no part of me that thinks either of us could be the same people we were before. There is a large part of me (all of me, actually) that remembers exactly how it felt to love you so completely, though, and would always be willing to try it again from the beginning, consequences thrown to the wind.

I don't know what else to say.

Day 287: Deep in the Fields

Feeling impatient
Listening to Death and All His Friends - Coldplay

When I'm left alone in the wee hours of morning, when I'm reflecting back on the events that happened throughout the day, when I'm faced with my bothersome troubles, why do I feel so vulnerable? Why am I so afraid? Why are we left to don our masks and be dancers to a senseless rhythm?

Why do I feel like I am functioning perfectly well, yet so broken? Why do I feel like I don't need anyone else to rely on, but feel like I need a shoulder to lean on?

Why do I feel my soul's empty like a dried up well? Why do I feel like I'm half a man? What is it exactly that keeps me awake at night?

Day 273: What Makes Me - You - Us - Them ... Human?

Feeling hungry
Listening to Edvard Grieg - Stambogsblad

I think everyone faces this question every once in a while, after taking a long, unbiased look at oneself and the people that surround him.

What makes that person as much as human as I am? What qualities of that person render them human? What makes them deserving of my good feelings?

Yeah.

Not a human, but human.

I think peace will come only when the whole world realizes that we are all the same beings. Beings with feelings, conscience, hurts, blessings, weaknesses, and a constant hunger to be cared for, listened to, and loved. But until then.

Day 257: Sweet Sunday

Feeling bitter
Listening to Turbo - 회상

Why is it that when I most need another one to talk to, I can't find anyone? Why do I present to the world a happy image of myself when I am bruising and hurting inside? Why do I feel so fine and well and yet my heart throbs, my face tenses, and the tears come? Why do I tell myself that I am doing alright when I am not so? Why is it that I tell myself a lie, and believe?

I feel happy, act happy, and yet then when I'm all alone, when it's late at night, and I'm left all to my own devices, why does everything dissolve and boil down to nothing? When I'm in the dark and broken apart, why do all my efforts seem fruitless and my good ambitions to have failed? Why does everything seem so hollow?

Why does it seem that I have nowhere else to run, and nothing else to hold on to? At the same time, why is it that I feel like letting go of everything and laying down wherever I may be to just hold my hands up to the sky and scream?

Why am I surrounded by kind people and friends yet I have no one? Sometimes I just want to hug someone and rest my head on them, but I can't. It doesn't matter who, even.

Why is the most comfortable pillow so much less comforting than another human, even without words? Why is a shoulder, however bony, softer than the softest feathers? How is it that we feel a sense of relief when we crumble under the pressure and unleash the tears we held up inside?

Day 252: Temporary Constructs of Feeble Human Intellect

Lies. I should go die. In the morning. Get run over by a car in the morning. All a lie. Vagaries of perception. Illusions. For what? An insipid existence of justifying the human intellect's temporary construct of one's significance in the world? Like an inventor knowing the meaning of his inventions, then what is our blueprint? Simple as from ashes to ashes, dust to dust? An endless cycle of pointless meandering?

Night 232: The Insult Remains With You

You do not need to be Buddhist to see the wisdom in this.

It is the thought for the day. Do not allow others to dictate your feelings, moods and thoughts. Once you realize you control these things you will find your days much less stressful.

One day, the Buddha was sitting upon some steps meditating when a group of boys came by and began insulting and taunting him, attempting to make him angry. After some time, one of the boys observed that the insults were having no affect upon the Buddha, who remained sitting quietly on the steps. The boy finally asked the Buddha how he could just sit there and not become enraged at the terrible treatment he was receiving. The Buddha answered the question with a question of his own, saying,

“If someone offers you a gift and you refuse to accept it, to whom does the gift belong?”

The boy thought for a moment and then replied, “Why, it continues to belong to the one offering the gift.”

The Buddha then told him, “Likewise, I am refusing to accept your insults, therefore they remain with you.”

Day 232: Doing Your Best

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey.  He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.  His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be  digging up a garden plot.  I know if you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Don't dig up that garden.  That's where the bodies are buried.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.  They apologized to the old man and left.  Later that same day the old man received a telegram from his son.

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.  That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you, Vinnie

Day 211: Advice to Young Men from an Old Man

best of craigslist > SF bay area > Advice to Young Men from an Old Man

Originally Posted: Thu, 15 Feb 09:08 PST

Advice to Young Men from an Old Man

---

Date: 2007-02-15, 9:08AM PST

---

Advice to Young Men from an Old Man
1. Don�t pick on the weak. It�s immoral. Don�t antagonize the strong without cause, its stupid.
2. Don�t hate women. It�s a waste of time
3. Invest in yourself. Material things come to those that have self actualized.
4. Get in a fistfight, even if you are going to lose.
5. As a former Marine, take it from me. Don�t join the military, unless you want to risk getting your balls blown off to secure other people�s economic or political interests.
6. If something has a direct benefit to an individual or a class of people, and a theoretical, abstract, or amorphous benefit to everybody else, realize that the proponent�s intentions are to benefit the former, not the latter, no matter what bullshit they try to feed you.
7. Don�t be a Republican. They are self-dealing crooks with no sense of honor or patriotism to their fellow citizens. If you must be a Republican, don�t be a �conservative.� They are whining, bitching, complaining, simple-minded self-righteous idiots who think they�re perpetual victims. Listen to talk radio for a while, you�ll see what I mean.
8. Don�t take proffered advice without a critical analysis. 90% of all advice is intended to benefit the proponent, not the recipient. Actually, the number is probably closer to 97%, but I don�t want to come off as cynical.
9. You�ll spend your entire life listening to people tell you how much you owe them. You don�t owe the vast majority of people shit.
10. Don�t undermine your fellow young men. Mentor the young men that come after you. Society recognizes that you have the potential to be the most power force in society. It scares them. Society does not find young men sympathetic. They are afraid of you, both individually and collectively. Law enforcement�s primary purpose is to suppress you.
11. As a young man, you�re on your own. Society divides and conquers. Unlike women who have advocates looking out for them (NOW, Women�s Study Departments, government, non-profit organizations, political advocacy groups) almost no one is looking out for you.
12. Young men provide the genius and muscle by which our society thrives. Look at the Silicone Valley. By in large, it was not old men or women that created the revolution we live. Realize that society steals your contributions, secures it with our intellectual property laws, and then takes credit and the rewards where none is due.
13. Know that few people have your best interests at heart. Your mother does. Your father probably does (if he stuck around). Your siblings are on your side. Everybody else worries about themselves.
14. Don�t be afraid to tell people to �Fuck off� when need be. It is an important skill to acquire. As they say, speak your piece, even if your voice shakes.
15. Acquire empathy, good interpersonal skills, and confidence. Learn to read body language and non-verbal communication. Don�t just concentrate on your vocational or technical skills, or you�ll find your wife fucking somebody else.
16. Keep fit.
17. Don�t speak ill of your wife/girlfriend. Back her up against the world, even if she�s wrong. She should know that you have her back. When she needs your help, give it. She should know that you�ll take her part.
18. Don�t cheat on your wife/girlfriend. If you must cheat, don�t humiliate her. Don�t risk having your transgressions come back to her or her friends. Don�t do it where you live. Don�t do it with people in your social circle. Don�t shit in your own back yard.
19. If your girlfriend doesn�t make you feel good about yourself and bring joy to your life, fire her. That�s what girlfriends are for.
20. Don�t bother with �emotional affairs.� They are just a vehicle for women to flirt and have someone make them feel good about themselves. That�s the part of a relationship they want. For you it is a lot of work and investment in time. If they are having an emotional affair with you, they�re probably fucking someone else.
21. Becoming a woman�s friend and confidant is not going to get you into an intimate relationship. If you haven�t gotten the girl within a reasonably short period of time, chances are you won�t ever get her. She�ll end up confiding to you about the sexual adventures she�s having with someone else.
22. Have and nurture friendships with women.
23. Realize that love is a numbers game. Guys fall in love easily. You�re going to see some girl and feel like you�ll die if you don�t get her. If she rejects you, move on to the next one. It�s her loss.
24. Don�t be an internet troll. Got out and live life. There is not a cadre of beautiful women advertising on Craigslist to have NSA sex with you. Beautiful women don�t need to advertise. The websites that advertise with attractive women�s photos and claims of loneliness are baloney. All they want is your money and your personal information so that they can market to you. The posts on Craigslist by young �women� seeking NSA sex, and asking for a picture are just a bunch of gay troll pic collectors. This is especially true if the post uses common gay lexicon like �hole� as in �fuck my hole� or seeks �masculine� men, or uses the word cock (except in the context of �Don�t send a cock shot.�) There are women on Craigslist. They are easily recognizable by their 2-5 paragraph postings. Most are in their 30's or older.
25. When you become a man in full, know that people will get in your way. People who are attracted to you will somehow manage to step in your path. Gay guys will give you �the look.� Old people will somehow stumble in front of you at the worst time. Don�t get frustrated. Just step aside and go about your business. Know that these are passive aggressive methods to get you to acknowledge their existence.
26. Don�t gay bash. Don�t mentally or physically abuse people because of who they are, or how they present themselves. It�s none of your business to try to intimidate people into conformity.
27. If your gay, admit it to yourself, your parents, your friends and society at large. Be prepared to get harassed. See rule 14. If someone threatens you or assaults you, call the cops. Have them arrested. You have no obligation to self sacrifice because of who you are. As a gay person, you�ll have more social freedom than straight men. Use it to protect yourself. Be prepared to get out of Dodge if your orientation makes your life unbearable. Move to San Francisco, New York, Atlanta, or New Orleans. You�ll find a welcoming community there.
28. Don�t be a poser. Avoid being one of those dudes who puts a surfboard on top of their car, but never surfs, or a dude with a powder coated fixed gear bike and a messenger bag, but was never a messenger. Live the life. Earn your bona fides.
29. Don�t believe the crap about the patriarchy. More women are accepted and attend college. More degrees are awarded to women than men. Women outlive men. More men commit suicide. Men are twice as likely to be victims of violence, including murder. If you consider sexual assaults in prisons, twice as many men are raped as women (society thinks prison rape is funny). The streets are littered with homeless men, sprinkled with a few homeless women. Statically, women are happier than men. The myth that girls are being cheated by are educational system is belied by the fact that schools are bastions of femininity, mostly run by and taught by women. Girls outperform boys in school. It is the boys in school getting fucked over, and prescribed ritalin for being boys. Real wages for men are falling, while real wages for women are rising. Just because someone says something enough times, doesn�t make it true. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
30. Remember, 97% of all advice is worthless. Take what you can use, and trash the rest. 

Day 207: Shameful Financial Aid Letter

Feeling like a shamed, poor man

Listening to Kewlaid - Wild Berries

It's half past one in the morning

 

Autumn is just around the corner! My weather sense has been tingling for the past week, though I think it is arriving too soon. I really don't like taking ice cold showers in the morning. Ew.

Just now, I wrote this request letter for financial aid in this 2-week reading skill enhancement course that's being offered in Middlebury College this September. I just got to the information letter (in an envelope) just a moment ago, so I had no choice except to get on my hands and knees and literally beg in the format of an e-mail of the Center for Teaching, Learning and Research (Midd lingo - C.T.L.R.) department coordinator, JoAnn Brewer, for consideration.

So, I just want to share with you what I wrote. It's pretty shameful, I know, but I did enjoy the funny five minutes that I spent on crafting it. Ugh. I really need this aid! To be honest, it really sucks having to beg for help all the time. Feels like being a beggar begging for expensive things, like college education. Totally senseless.

Hello JoAnn,

I hope you're having a fine day!
My name is -----, Midd class of '12.5, and I'm writing to you about requesting much-needed financial aid for the Reading and Study Skills course that is offered this coming September.

Yes! I am fully aware that it is past the deadline, but I shamefully admit that I *now* just got to read the letter. It's a bummer, but I would like to go ahead and ask of you anyway. I want to tell you how badly I want to take part in this, but I don't quite think I can enroll without financial aid from the school! So, please, if you can consider this plea just for a second or two - be it yea or nay - I will be thankful.

Thank you for your time and consideration!

Much sincerely,
-------

Preparing for More than a Quiz

These are crazy parents. As always, Korean moms have crazy expectations. Wait, lemme rephrase that - not crazy, but unrealistic. I mean, there can only be a select few that are in the top x percentile. Not every kid can be the best, idiots! 

---- 

Preparing for More Than a Quiz
Korean-Inspired 'Cram Schools' Still Pile On Tests But Also Help Young Students Navigate U.S. Lifestyle


By Michael Alison Chandler
Washington Post Staff Writer
Sunday, July 5, 2009

When Aran Park directed a tutoring center in South Korea, her workday ended at 3 a.m. That's when her last class let out. "We have a saying in Korea: If you sleep three hours, you succeed; if you sleep four hours, you fail," she said. 

Park opened another tutoring center in the corner of a Centreville office building last year. At the Living Stone Academy, she runs a strict program with daily quizzes and lots of homework, but on a distinctly American schedule that ends by 4 p.m. "It is summer vacation," she said, laughing. "I don't want to take away all the fun they deserve." 

Many Koreans who move to the United States are relieved to be rid of the expensive and energy-sapping cram schools where, driven by intense competition to get into top universities, students spend most of their waking hours after the school day ends. 

But a new and gentler version of cram school is emerging in the United States. Over the past 15 years, scores of Korean-run academies have opened in strip malls and office buildings in such immigrant enclaves as Ellicott City and Annandale. Names such as Elite Academy and Einstein Academy reflect the educational goals that brought families halfway around the world. 

This summer, thousands of Korean American students, along with an increasing number of non-Koreans, will attend them to prepare for next year's math classes, SAT tests or the entrance exam for Thomas Jefferson High School for Science and Technology. 

The schools are designed to give students a competitive edge, but many offer far more than academic support. They help newcomers adjust to a new culture, new expectations and a dramatically different public school system. For some families, they are a lifeline between the old world and the new. 

"It's not all academics in America. You have to get involved in other things," said Matthew Lee, who emigrated from Korea as a teenager and established Best Academy in 1994. It has campuses in Springfield, Sterling and Columbia. 

Getting involved can be a difficult concept for students who for years have been pushed to make academics their primary focus. So Lee, a guidance counselor in Fairfax County schools, offers academic classes in the morning and fills the afternoon with extracurricular activities that many public schools offer and American colleges expect to see on applications. He also counsels parents who are unfamiliar with American education traditions. 

Best Academy charges $1,100 for an eight-week enrichment program for elementary and middle school students. Many academies' rates are far higher. In the fall, students go once or twice a week after the regular school day. 

This summer, they are taking art classes, going on field trips and volunteering on political campaigns. They go to the pool, and they watch movies. The school offers clubs for origami, journalism and mental math. 

On a sunny afternoon this week, two dozen third- and fourth-graders in art class concentrated on a blank page. Their task, the teacher said, was to draw a jar and fill it with something large and "outside the ordinary." With colored pencils, they filled the space with a dragon, a candy store, a beach and a man. 

Lee tries to introduce newcomers to American public school traditions. "Spirit days," such as Funny Hat Day or Pajama Day, are commonplace in American schools but baffling to students accustomed to regimens and uniforms. He lets them practice the goofy tradition at his academy first, "where they feel more safe," he said. 

Mira Chae, a Korean-born parent whose three children have attended the Best Academy, said the school helped her children feel more comfortable and less shy at the private and public schools they attended. It also helped bridge the cultural gap between her and her American-born children. "Report cards are not everything," she said.
Fewer Korean families seek out cram schools in the United States than in Korea, said Kyeyoung Park, associate professor of anthropology and Asian American studies at the University of California at Los Angeles. But the cram school industry is still booming, with families' needs changing. 

More families rely on two incomes here and need a safe place for day care, Park said. Some are hoping to replicate the intensity of Korea's schools, and others are interested in the golf lessons or taekwondo some schools offer. 

Einstein Academy, tucked next to a Korean church in a Fairfax City office building, markets to middle and high school students and maintains an academic focus. The school advertises a high pass rate for students on the Thomas Jefferson High School entrance exam and a heavy homework load. 

But it tailors its academic courses to American expectations, said Executive Director Don Shim, with creative teaching techniques and different types of classes. This summer, the academy is offering a debate class to bolster students' communication skills. "Many students know the answer, but they don't know how to explain it," Shim said. "They just mumble." 

For some parents, the American-style cram schools are not rigorous enough. Several of Shim's students are returning to Korea this summer for more-intense programs, he said. 

One of those students is Fred Jin, 16, a rising sophomore at Paul VI Catholic High School in Fairfax City. He will spend four weeks at a kind of academic boot camp near Seoul, where study sessions begin at 7:30 a.m. and end at 11:30 p.m. 

"Most important thing," said his mother, Youna Jin, with one finger raised in the air. "No computer." That means no cellphone, no Facebook, no MP3s. 

She brought her two sons to the United States four years ago, leaving her husband behind, because she thought they would find better schools and have a better chance at getting into a prestigious college. America, she has found, is lonely for her and full of distractions for her sons, particularly online distractions. Given tight competition for Ivy League schools, she is worried her sons are wasting too much time. 

Recently, she has taken to putting a mirror behind them when they are doing homework on their laptops so she can monitor their Facebook use. Five thousand dollars for four weeks, plus airfare, seems a fair price to limit that access. 

Fred Jin, who prefers tennis to academics, said he expects the boot camp to be "tiring." But when it comes time to take the SAT, he said, he expects he "will get results from it."

Night 189: At the Edge of This Mountain

Listening to Mango & Aqua Diva
Feeling like a happy, n00b swing dancer!

I saw your smile
When you first two met
Then all your troubles faded

You knew from the start
Where this all would fly
Falling down to nowhere
Yeah

But being careless,
You know you do not want to hear me
I know you truly want to stay here
Lingering in the clouds

And somewhere in the deepest part of your dreams
At the edge of this mountain
You close your eyes and weep

Oh somewhere in the deepest part of those clouds
Just close your eyes and dream

I heard you cry
For a distant love
Who will never come back

I saw your face
In a flood of tears
Your eyes so empty

But now hear me
You know I never want to hurt you
I know you can't resist it
In your dreams you taste their lips

Hear me, heal me
Sweetness, feelings, love and since so many blames and stories

And somewhere in the deepest part of your dreams
At the edge of this mountain
We just close our eyes and breathe

Oh somewhere in the deepest part of my dreams
At the edge of this mountain
We close our eyes and forget

Oh somewhere in the deepest part of our dreams
At the edge of this mountain
We close our eyes and repeat

Day 188: Wait, sir.

Following is a quote by MLK. I found it difficult to keep a tear from forming. Have you ever stopped and wondered how lucky your people must be to not have ever endured through so much pain and agony?

"Perhaps it is easy for those who have never felt the stinging darts of segregation to say, "Wait." But when you have seen vicious mobs lynch your mothers and fathers at will and drown your sisters and brothers at whim; when you have seen hate filled policemen curse, kick and even kill your black brothers and sisters; when you see the vast majority of your twenty million Negro brothers smothering in an airtight cage of poverty in the midst of an affluent society; when you suddenly find your tongue twisted and your speech stammering as you seek to explain to your six year old daughter why she can't go to the public amusement park that has just been advertised on television, and see tears welling up in her eyes when she is told that Funtown is closed to colored children, and see ominous clouds of inferiority beginning to form in her little mental sky, and see her beginning to distort her personality by developing an unconscious bitterness toward white people; when you have to concoct an answer for a five year old son who is asking: "Daddy, why do white people treat colored people so mean?"; when you take a cross county drive and find it necessary to sleep night after night in the uncomfortable corners of your automobile because no motel will accept you; when you are humiliated day in and day out by nagging signs reading "white" and "colored"; when your first name becomes "nigger," your middle name becomes "boy" (however old you are) and your last name becomes "John," and your wife and mother are never given the respected title "Mrs."; when you are harried by day and haunted by night by the fact that you are a Negro, living constantly at tiptoe stance, never quite knowing what to expect next, and are plagued with inner fears and outer resentments; when you are forever fighting a degenerating sense of "nobodiness"--then you will understand why we find it difficult to wait."

-MLK

Night 187: Freak on a Trip

The second and last time I'd smoke marijuana during my freshman year of college, I decided to visit an upperclassman friend that I know of in another dorm one night. I didn't think that I would be getting high in under 2 minutes, but for sure I was proved wrong.I jogged the last 50 yard stretch before the back door of the dorm building. I passed by a student under the orange light of the street lamp, looked back, and something told me that this guy was following me. I tried not to think of it. "Just be normal, and get to the door," I told myself.
During the next five seconds, I passed by a couple that was walking towards the same direction. I looked back, and I was sure for a fact that they were following me. I panic, turn my attention to the door that's in front of me, and decide to run for it. I look back, and their shadowy figures in the darkness become so menacing that I slam my ID to the card scanner, open the door, and hurry inside the building.
I watch the building door close behind me, and turn to the stairs, just to realize that there is another dark figure waiting for me right beside the stairwell (of course, this is just another innocent person about to go outside). I snap and run past him and up the stairs to the third floor.
Getting to the right floor, I sprint until I'm at my friend's room, and furiously knock on her door. I hear her reply, but I can't make it out, so I knock again, this time stronger, and not stopping until she opens the door.
The instant the door opens, I kick open the door, and tell her, "Help. Help. Help. Help. Someone's ... someone's.... there's someone.." but my mouth fails to iterate the words that my mind is freaking over to get out. With my whole body shaking, I crumple into a ball on one side of her room, and rock myself forward and back. I remember myself repeatedly muttering, "People... following... people... following... they're outside. They're outside. They're outside!" until she just waits for me to calm down.
I move to a corner of the room, and decide that I should just sit and not move. She tells me that I really should try making friends at school, and that it's okay for me to tell her about my problems.
I snarl back, denying her claim about me having problems. This is when the weed hits me again, and I keep stuttering to her, "I don't have any problems. I don't have any problems. I really don't, really. Really," over and over again, until I realize that she's not buying it. So, I guess it becomes apparent to myself that I am really having problems, and I am having a hard time finding friends at school. I feel an overwhelming urge to cry, but I'm hit one more time. There I am, looking up at the ceiling, trying my absolute hardest to muffle my sniffles and not let a single drop of tear come out of my eyes for about a cold, long and hard five minutes.
I feel that she's looking at me, but something tells me that she's not. I breathe long and deep a few times, apologize for being so messed up, run back home, and sleep.
Did anyone else have trips like these?

Day 187: Haters Anonymous Pt II

So it might seem to you that this love/hate relationship between Middlebury College and I is kinda overdramatic. Well, then .. you can go screw yourself. Press the red X on the top right corner of the browser =)

As I write this, I'm having to fight back these tears that are just begging to be let out, but I can't - my roommate is here in the room, 2 in the morning. Who do you think I am, some crybaby?

First of all, I just don't know myself anymore. I used to think I did, but I don't anymore. Why, I don't know. Coming into Middlebury College as a freshman feb was a really jolly, exciting time for me, but that's something of the past now. It's almost second semester already, and I'm going through a turb..

Nevermind. It's no use.

I've said I won't care anymore, but my mind just can't do it. DAMN it. It's almost there, but just caring about things doesn't make me so tough against what the world throws at me.

I can close my eyes, think back to my mom's cooking, and cry for over an hour, but that's all I can do to let loose whatever I had within me. But for a moment, trading emotional hurt for physical pain doesn't seem so bad right now. It seems like a very good trade, actually.

Just think of Spencer. Think of that person who doesn't seem to have any emotional wants or needs, and can just be that nice guy. No hurts, no pain, nothing. Good.

Damn. Middlebury College.

I think I need help.

Day 186: Those Aren't Fighting Words, My Dear

By LAURA A. MUNSON

Published: July 31, 2009

LET’S say you have what you believe to be a healthy marriage. You’re still friends and lovers after spending more than half of your lives together. The dreams you set out to achieve in your 20s — gazing into each other’s eyes in candlelit city bistros when you were single and skinny — have for the most part come true.

Two decades later you have the 20 acres of land, the farmhouse, the children, the dogs and horses. You’re the parents you said you would be, full of love and guidance. You’ve done it all: Disneyland, camping, Hawaii, Mexico, city living, stargazing.

Sure, you have your marital issues, but on the whole you feel so self-satisfied about how things have worked out that you would never, in your wildest nightmares, think you would hear these words from your husband one fine summer day: “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did. I’m moving out. The kids will understand. They’ll want me to be happy.”

But wait. This isn’t the divorce story you think it is. Neither is it a begging-him-to-stay story. It’s a story about hearing your husband say “I don’t love you anymore” and deciding not to believe him. And what can happen as a result.

Here’s a visual: Child throws a temper tantrum. Tries to hit his mother. But the mother doesn’t hit back, lecture or punish. Instead, she ducks. Then she tries to go about her business as if the tantrum isn’t happening. She doesn’t “reward” the tantrum. She simply doesn’t take the tantrum personally because, after all, it’s not about her.

Let me be clear: I’m not saying my husband was throwing a child’s tantrum. No. He was in the grip of something else — a profound and far more troubling meltdown that comes not in childhood but in midlife, when we perceive that our personal trajectory is no longer arcing reliably upward as it once did. But I decided to respond the same way I’d responded to my children’s tantrums. And I kept responding to it that way. For four months.

“I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did.”

His words came at me like a speeding fist, like a sucker punch, yet somehow in that moment I was able to duck. And once I recovered and composed myself, I managed to say, “I don’t buy it.” Because I didn’t.

He drew back in surprise. Apparently he’d expected me to burst into tears, to rage at him, to threaten him with a custody battle. Or beg him to change his mind.

So he turned mean. “I don’t like what you’ve become.”

Gut-wrenching pause. How could he say such a thing? That’s when I really wanted to fight. To rage. To cry. But I didn’t.

Instead, a shroud of calm enveloped me, and I repeated those words: “I don’t buy it.”

You see, I’d recently committed to a non-negotiable understanding with myself. I’d committed to “The End of Suffering.” I’d finally managed to exile the voices in my head that told me my personal happiness was only as good as my outward success, rooted in things that were often outside my control. I’d seen the insanity of that equation and decided to take responsibility for my own happiness. And I mean all of it.

My husband hadn’t yet come to this understanding with himself. He had enjoyed many years of hard work, and its rewards had supported our family of four all along. But his new endeavor hadn’t been going so well, and his ability to be the breadwinner was in rapid decline. He’d been miserable about this, felt useless, was losing himself emotionally and letting himself go physically. And now he wanted out of our marriage; to be done with our family.

But I wasn’t buying it.

I said: “It’s not age-appropriate to expect children to be concerned with their parents’ happiness. Not unless you want to create co-dependents who’ll spend their lives in bad relationships and therapy. There are times in every relationship when the parties involved need a break. What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”

“Huh?” he said.

“Go trekking in Nepal. Build a yurt in the back meadow. Turn the garage studio into a man-cave. Get that drum set you’ve always wanted. Anything but hurting the children and me with a reckless move like the one you’re talking about.”

Then I repeated my line, “What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”

“Huh?”

“How can we have a responsible distance?”

“I don’t want distance,” he said. “I want to move out.”

My mind raced. Was it another woman? Drugs? Unconscionable secrets? But I stopped myself. I would not suffer.

Instead, I went to my desk, Googled “responsible separation” and came up with a list. It included things like: Who’s allowed to use what credit cards? Who are the children allowed to see you with in town? Who’s allowed keys to what?

I looked through the list and passed it on to him.

His response: “Keys? We don’t even have keys to our house.”

I remained stoic. I could see pain in his eyes. Pain I recognized.

“Oh, I see what you’re doing,” he said. “You’re going to make me go into therapy. You’re not going to let me move out. You’re going to use the kids against me.”

“I never said that. I just asked: What can we do to give you the distance you need ... ”

“Stop saying that!”

Well, he didn’t move out.

Instead, he spent the summer being unreliable. He stopped coming home at his usual six o’clock. He would stay out late and not call. He blew off our entire Fourth of July — the parade, the barbecue, the fireworks — to go to someone else’s party. When he was at home, he was distant. He wouldn’t look me in the eye. He didn’t even wish me “Happy Birthday.”

But I didn’t play into it. I walked my line. I told the kids: “Daddy’s having a hard time as adults often do. But we’re a family, no matter what.” I was not going to suffer. And neither were they.

MY trusted friends were irate on my behalf. “How can you just stand by and accept this behavior? Kick him out! Get a lawyer!”

I walked my line with them, too. This man was hurting, yet his problem wasn’t mine to solve. In fact, I needed to get out of his way so he could solve it.

I know what you’re thinking: I’m a pushover. I’m weak and scared and would put up with anything to keep the family together. I’m probably one of those women who would endure physical abuse. But I can assure you, I’m not. I load 1,500-pound horses into trailers and gallop through the high country of Montana all summer. I went through Pitocin-induced natural childbirth. And a Caesarean section without follow-up drugs. I am handy with a chain saw.

I simply had come to understand that I was not at the root of my husband’s problem. He was. If he could turn his problem into a marital fight, he could make it about us. I needed to get out of the way so that wouldn’t happen.

Privately, I decided to give him time. Six months.

I had good days, and I had bad days. On the good days, I took the high road. I ignored his lashing out, his merciless jabs. On bad days, I would fester in the August sun while the kids ran through sprinklers, raging at him in my mind. But I never wavered. Although it may sound ridiculous to say “Don’t take it personally” when your husband tells you he no longer loves you, sometimes that’s exactly what you have to do.

Instead of issuing ultimatums, yelling, crying or begging, I presented him with options. I created a summer of fun for our family and welcomed him to share in it, or not — it was up to him. If he chose not to come along, we would miss him, but we would be just fine, thank you very much. And we were.

And, yeah, you can bet I wanted to sit him down and persuade him to stay. To love me. To fight for what we’ve created. You can bet I wanted to.

But I didn’t.

I barbecued. Made lemonade. Set the table for four. Loved him from afar.

And one day, there he was, home from work early, mowing the lawn. A man doesn’t mow his lawn if he’s going to leave it. Not this man. Then he fixed a door that had been broken for eight years. He made a comment about our front porch needing paint. Our front porch. He mentioned needing wood for next winter. The future. Little by little, he started talking about the future.

It was Thanksgiving dinner that sealed it. My husband bowed his head humbly and said, “I’m thankful for my family.”

He was back.

And I saw what had been missing: pride. He’d lost pride in himself. Maybe that’s what happens when our egos take a hit in midlife and we realize we’re not as young and golden anymore.

When life’s knocked us around. And our childhood myths reveal themselves to be just that. The truth feels like the biggest sucker-punch of them all: it’s not a spouse or land or a job or money that brings us happiness. Those achievements, those relationships, can enhance our happiness, yes, but happiness has to start from within. Relying on any other equation can be lethal.

My husband had become lost in the myth. But he found his way out. We’ve since had the hard conversations. In fact, he encouraged me to write about our ordeal. To help other couples who arrive at this juncture in life. People who feel scared and stuck. Who believe their temporary feelings are permanent. Who see an easy out, and think they can escape.

My husband tried to strike a deal. Blame me for his pain. Unload his feelings of personal disgrace onto me.

But I ducked. And I waited. And it worked.

Laura A. Munson is a writer who lives in Whitefish, Mont.

Laws of Infernal Dynamics, Murphy's Way

The laws of infernal dynamics are an adage about the cursedness of the universe. Attributed to Science fiction author David Gerrold, the laws are as follows:

1. An object in motion will be moving in the wrong direction.
2. An object at rest will be in the wrong place.
3. The energy required to move an object in the correct direction, or put it in the right place, will be more than you wish to expend but not so much as to make the task impossible.

The laws are a parody on the first and second of Newton's laws of motion in the spirit of Murphy's law. Newton's first law of motion has here been split into two parts, the first two laws. Newton's third law of motion is left unparodied, though a separate adage states that "for every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism."

• Law of conservation of misery: Misery is never created or destroyed, just transferred.

Murphy's law is sometimes strengthened, as Finagle's law. The comparative of Murphy's law then is: If anything can go even worse, it will go even worse. Or more comprehensive, as: "Whatever can go wrong will go wrong, and at the worst possible time, in the worst possible way."

Day 182: Haters Anonymous Pt I

I don't know how else to put it. I'm not happy. I don't like it here. I don't like the majority of the people, and the small, but handful of people that I can actually look at and smile is not enough to overpower the feelings I have toward this place.

Sometimes I look at and tell myself that I'm just being overdramatic. Oh, fuck. Are you kidding me? Do you think I'm making all this shit up just so that I can have another reason to be in this fucking mood for the whole day? Just so that I can be like this for one more day?

"The pain of life overrides the joy to the point that joy does not exist." -Kevin Carter, Pulitzer Prize recipient

Damn you, Middlebury College. I didn't even want to come here in the first place.

Monologing Reminescence

Day 174: And You Still Call Me Colored?

An African kid wrote the following poem, and the UN declared it the best poem of 2006.

When I born, I black

When I grow up, I black

When I go in Sun, I black

When I scared, I black

When I sick, I black

And when I die, I still black

And you white fellow

When you born, you pink

When you grow up, you white

When you go in sun, you red

When you cold, you blue

When you scared, you yellow

When you sick, you green

And when you die, you gray

And you calling me colored??

Day 170.5: Open Your Eyes, United States!

Photos of US Torture of Iraqi Prisoners At The Abu Ghraib Prison In Iraq

by sources
Friday Apr 30th, 2004 5:06 PM

Graphic photographs showing the torture and sexual abuse of Iraqi prisoners in a US-run prison outside Baghdad emerged yesterday from a military inquiry which has left six soldiers facing a possible court martial and a general under investigation.
The scandal has also brought to light the growing and largely unregulated role of private contractors in the interrogation of detainees.

iraq_torture_a.jpg

According to lawyers for some of the soldiers, they claimed to be acting in part under the instruction of mercenary interrogators hired by the Pentagon.
US military investigators discovered the photographs, which include images of a hooded prisoner with wires fixed to his body, and nude inmates piled in a human pyramid.
The pictures, which were obtained by an American TV network, also show a dog attacking a prisoner and other inmates being forced to simulate sex with each other. It is thought the abuses took place in November and December last year.
...
Lawyers for the soldiers argue they are being made scapegoats for a rogue military prison system in which mercenaries give orders without legal accountability.
A military report into the Abu Ghraib case - parts of which were made available to the Guardian - makes it clear that private contractors were supervising interrogations in the prison, which was notorious for torture and executions under Saddam Hussein.
One civilian contractor was accused of raping a young male prisoner but has not been charged because military law has no jurisdiction over him.
Hired guns from a wide array of private security firms are playing a central role in the US-led occupation of Iraq.
The killing of four private contractors in Falluja on March 31 led to the current siege of the city.
But this is the first time the privatisation of interrogation and intelligence-gathering has come to light. The investigation names two US contractors, CACI International Inc and the Titan Corporation, for their involvement in Abu Ghraib.
Titan, based in San Diego, describes itself as a "a leading provider of comprehensive information and communications products, solutions and services for national security". It recently won a big contract for providing translation services to the US army.
CACI, which has headquarters in Virginia, claims on its website to "help America's intelligence community collect, analyse and share global information in the war on terrorism".
Neither responded to calls for comment yesterday.
According to the military report on Abu Ghraib, both played an important role at the prison.
...
Colonel Jill Morgenthaler, speaking for central command, told the Guardian: "One contractor was originally included with six soldiers, accused for his treatment of the prisoners, but we had no jurisdiction over him. It was left up to the contractor on how to deal with him."
She did not specify the accusation facing the contractor, but according to several sources with detailed knowledge of the case, he raped an Iraqi inmate in his mid-teens.

Read More
http://www.guardian.co.uk/Iraq/Story/0,2763,1206725,00.html

Full Text Of Taguba Report
http://www.indybay.org/news/2004/05/1679599.php
Full Text Of ICRC Report
http://www.indybay.org/news/2004/05/1680479.php
Photos From The New Yorker
http://www.newyorker.com/online/slideshows/pop/?040510onslpo_prison
Seymour Hersh's Story In The New Yorker
http://www.newyorker.com/fact/content/?040510fa_fact
60 Minutes II Report:
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2004/04/27/60II/main614063.shtml
Video from 60 Minutes II:
http://www.indybay.org/news/2004/04/1678870.php
More Pictures From The Washington Post
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A5623-2004May5.html
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/flash/photo/world/2004-05-03_prisonabuse/movie.htm

More On Indybay's Iraq Page:
http://www.indybay.org/iraq

US military in torture scandal

by sources Friday Apr 30th, 2004 5:06 PM

iraq_torture_b.jpg

Lots of similar scenes are still hidden... What we have seen today is just a sample

Mustafa Rageh
Yemeni human rights activist
---
"Savage" images showing US troops abusing Iraqi prisoners have been denounced by Arab media and observers.
The pictures, aired by CBS, apparently show naked prisoners being forced to simulate sex acts and standing with wires attached to their genitals.
Shock has not characterised all responses. Some commentators professed to be unsurprised.
Qatar-based TV channel Al-Jazeera said the images showed the "unethical and inhuman" conduct of American soldiers.
Al-Arabiya TV condemned the "humiliating" pictures, which demonstrated the soldiers' "savagery".
Both TV stations have been running old footage of examples of heavy-handed conduct by US soldiers in Iraq.
Read More
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/3674795.stm

US military in torture scandal

by sources Friday Apr 30th, 2004 5:06 PM

iraq_torture_c.jpg

What will happen to this handful of soldiers who were caught? Brigadier General Janice Karpinsky who ran the Abu Ghraib prison for the Army has been suspended and six soldiers face court martial in Iraq and possible prison time. Yeah right. In others words – a slap on the wrist maybe. “A full investigation” means the matter will disappear from the public eye and disappear through the bureaucratic slight of hand.

The real facts are that there is report after report of US abuses; on the internet, in the back pages of our newspapers, in personal accounts that with a little luck will now make their way to mainstream press. This is not an isolated few – this is business as usual for the US military and their collaborating band of thugs in Iraq. Is it any wonder that bodies of US soldiers who fall into Iraqi hands are mutilated and displayed?

The pictures of US soldiers dishonoring Iraqi detainees came as no surprise to JUS. We have been reporting alleged abuses since shortly after the fall of Baghdad. We received several reports over the past months of US soldiers raping Iraqi woman, only to find these photos posted to US porn sites. While these photos and reports were put down to “loose” Iraqi women (which shows a fundamental understanding of Iraq’s religion and culture) we discovered later that those who were detained, some at Abu Ghraib prison, who refused to provide US officials with intelligence where given a prod to garner “cooperation” by rounding up the female relatives, forcing then into sexual acts that were filmed and then shown to their husbands, fathers and brothers and to the general public through porn sites. Now the CBS 60 Minutes II report legitimizes the incidents we have been reporting all along.

Read More
http://www.jihadunspun.com/intheatre_internal.php?article=2811&list=/home.php&

US military in torture scandal

by sources Friday Apr 30th, 2004 5:06 PM

standingnaked60min.jpe

"There must be a fully independent, impartial and public investigation into all allegations of torture. Nothing less will suffice. If Iraq is to have a sustainable and peaceful future, human rights must be a central component of the way forward. The message must be sent loud and clear that those who abuse human rights will be held accountable.
-Amnesty International

Read More
http://www.indybay.org/news/2004/04/1679003.php

US military in torture scandal

by sources Friday Apr 30th, 2004 5:06 PM

iraqis_tortured_60min2-e....

A US general responsible for four jails in Iraq has been suspended pending an investigation into alleged abuse of her prisoners.
Brigadier General Janis Karpinski is among seven officers facing charges that soldiers under their command mistreated detainees.
The suspension follows shocking US television images of US soldiers stacking prisoners on top of each other and even applying electrodes to one at Abu Ghuraib prison near Baghdad.
http://www.indybay.org/news/2004/04/1678868.php

US military in torture scandal

by sources Friday Apr 30th, 2004 5:06 PM

iraqis_tortured_60min2-f....

Another reservist, Lynndie R. England, 21, told her mother in January about potential problems at the Iraq prison.

England grew up in a trailer down a dirt road behind a saloon and a sheep farm in Fort Ashby, W.Va., a one-stoplight town about 13 miles south of Cumberland.

Yesterday afternoon, her mother, Terrie England, pressed her fingers to her lips when a reporter showed her a newspaper photo of her daughter smiling in front of what a caption said were nude Iraqi prisoners at Abu Ghraib prison near Baghdad.

"Oh, my God," she said, her body stiffening as she sat on a cooler on the trailer's small stoop.

"I can't get over this," she said, taking a drag on her cigarette.

Lynndie England, a railroad worker's daughter who made honor roll at the high school near here, had enlisted in the 372nd for college money and the chance to widen her small-town horizons. In January, however, she gave her family the first inkling that something had gone woefully wrong.

"I just want you to know that there might be some trouble," she warned her mother in a phone call from Baghdad. "But I don't want you to worry."

Lynndie England said she was under orders to say no more. The military has told the family nothing; all the Englands know is that she has been detained, apparently in connection with the unit's alleged misconduct at the prison.

"Whether she's charged or not, I don't know," Terrie England said.

This was not supposed to be the fate of a girl who grew up hunting turkey or killing time with her sister at the local Dairy Dip, making wisecracks about the cars whizzing past.

"She wanted to see the world and go to college," said Terrie England, whose T-shirt bore a design of heart-shaped American flags. "Now the government turned their back on her, and everything's a big joke."

She held photos of her daughter in khakis, smiling atop a camel in Iraq.

At most, the 372nd's alleged abuses of prisoners were "stupid, kid things - pranks," Terrie England said, her voice growing bitter. "And what the [Iraqis] do to our men and women are just? The rules of the Geneva Convention, does that apply to everybody or just us?"

Everyone had been proud of Lynndie England. A Wal-Mart in nearby LaVale displays her photo on its Wall of Honor. The Mineral County courthouse in Keyser, W.Va., posts her photograph and those of other local soldiers under a banner that says: "We're hometown proud."

Lynndie England had found purpose, and love, in the Army. She got engaged last year to a fellow member of the 372nd, Charles Graner, who appears with his arm around her in the newspaper photo.

Now, Lynndie England is detained on a U.S. base - her family declined to say where - and is barred from leaving for anything besides her job. She has been demoted from the rank of specialist to private first class. And when she calls home, she says frustratingly little.

Destiny Goin said the Army had trained her sister Lynndie for an administrative job, "a paper pusher." Instead, she wound up helping to guard 900 Iraqi prisoners of war in a sprawling, squalid compound near Baghdad.

Read More
http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/bal-te.md.soldier30apr30,0,7339983.story?coll=bal-home-headlines

US military in torture scandal

by sources Friday Apr 30th, 2004 5:06 PM

iraqis_tortured_60min2-g....

"60 Minutes II" identified one of the implicated soldiers as Army Reserve Staff Sgt. Ivan "Chip" Frederick, who described to Rather what he saw in the Iraqi prison. "We had no support, no training whatsoever, and I kept asking my chain of command for certain things, rules and regulations, and it just wasn't happening," Frederick said.

Frederick is a member of the 372nd Military Police Company based in Cumberland, Md., said Maj. Greg Yesko, public affairs officer for the 99th regional readiness command. The 800th brigade includes the 372nd company, Yesko said.

Frederick was a correctional officer at Buckingham Correctional Center before being called up for active duty, Department of Corrections spokesman Larry Traylor said.

"60 Minutes II" reported Frederick will plead not guilty to charges including maltreatment and assault, claiming the way the Army operated the prison led to the abuse of prisoners. He also said he did not see a copy of the Geneva Convention rules for handling prisoners of war until after he was charged, the show reported.

The show also quoted from an e-mail which Frederick reportedly sent to his family in which he said of Iraqi prisoners: "We've had a very high rate with our styles of getting them to break; they usually end up breaking within hours."

Former Iraqi prisoners told The Associated Press last November of mistreatment in detention, including beatings and punishments that included hours of lying bound in the sun.

Amnesty International, the London human rights group, said in March that many former detainees in Iraq claimed to have been tortured and ill-treated by coalition troops during interrogation.

Methods often reported, it said, included prolonged sleep deprivation, beatings, exposure to loud music and prolonged periods of being covered by a hood.

Meanwhile, the lawyer for the accused Virginig soldier said he has been treated unfairly by the Army.

"They're trying to portray him as a monster," William Lawson said of Frederick, his nephew. "He's just the guy they put in charge of the prison."

Lawson, of Newburg, W.Va., and Frederick's wife, Martha, of Buckingham, Va., said Frederick was being made a scapegoat for commanders who gave him no guidance on managing hundreds of Iraqi prisoners with just a handful of poorly equipped soldiers.

"It's sort of like he's taking the full brunt," Martha Frederick said.

A 37-year-old 10-year veteran of the reserves, Frederick is "a very passive person," Lawson said. "If nothing else, he, in this situation, was very naive." Frederick's civilian lawyer, Washington-based Gary Myers, said he has urged the commanding general in Iraq to treat the case as an administrative matter, like those of seven officers who were also investigated.

"I can assure you Chip Frederick had no idea how to humiliate an Arab until he met up" with higher-ranking people who told him how, Myers said.

Lawson, acting as a family spokesman, said Frederick and the other MPs were ordered to "loosen up the prisoners" for interrogation by others. Lawson speculated that the MPs took the photographs to show to other prisoners to get them to talk.
http://home.hamptonroads.com/stories/story.cfm?story=69656&ran=149617

US military in torture scandal

by sources Friday Apr 30th, 2004 5:06 PM

iraqis_tortured_60min2-h....

Now British army is in the dock as Allies outrage world opinion
By Rupert Cornwell in Washington
01 May 2004


As pictures of American soldiers abusing Iraqi prisoners caused outrage across the world yesterday, human rights rights campaigners warned that they were just the tip of the iceberg.

The international rights group Amnesty International claimed it had received numerous accounts of torture and illegal detention by troops.

Read More
http://news.independent.co.uk/world/middle_east/story.jsp?story=517052

US military in torture scandal

by sources Friday Apr 30th, 2004 5:06 PM

iraq_torture_i.jpg

Prison Where Saddam's Victims Died in Their Thousands

By Ju-Lin Tan, PA News


Abu Ghraib prison, where Iraqi detainees were pictured being tortured and abused by United States soldiers, was one of the country’s most notorious jails under Saddam Hussein’s regime.

Executions and torture were known to have taken place regularly at the sprawling detention centre, which lies some 18 miles west of Baghdad.

It is believed thousands of inmates were shot, hanged or electrocuted there during Saddam’s 23 years in power.

Read More
http://news.scotsman.com/latest.cfm?id=2862926

US military in torture scandal

by sources Friday Apr 30th, 2004 5:06 PM

iraq_torture_j.jpg

Torture pictures blow US cause
London, April 30 (Reuters): Photos of US soldiers abusing Iraqi prisoners drew international condemnation today, prompting the stark conclusion that the American campaign to win the hearts and minds of Iraqis is a lost cause.

“This is the straw that broke the camel’s back for America,” said Abdel-Bari Atwan, editor of the Arab newspaper Al Quds Al Arabi. “The liberators are worse than the dictators. They have not just lost the hearts and minds of Iraqis but all the Third World and the Arab countries,” he said.

Read More
http://www.telegraphindia.com/1040501/asp/foreign/story_3194889.asp

US military in torture scandal

by sources Friday Apr 30th, 2004 5:06 PM

iraq_torture_k.jpg

At the same time, the fact that US soldiers are employing methods similar to those used by the Nazis in World War II is indicative of a deep-seated state of demoralization and degradation that the occupation has bred within the US military. Finding themselves in a hostile environment with the vast majority of Iraqis opposing the occupation, many American soldiers have come to see the country’s entire population as the enemy. Fed lies about the colonial intervention in Iraq being part of a global “war on terrorism,” some have also assumed a license to torture and humiliate their helpless captives.

Contrary to Kimmitt’s claims—slavishly echoed by the corporate media—this is the logic and modus operandi of imperialist conquest and colonial occupation. The pictures of torture, brutality and sexual sadism are representative of the entire criminal operation being conducted in Iraq.

Read More
http://wsws.org/articles/2004/apr2004/tort-a30.shtml

US military in torture scandal

by sources Friday Apr 30th, 2004 5:06 PM

iraq_torture_l.jpg

Rahul Mahajan :

April 29, 12:30 pm EST. This morning I was on MSNBC News in a "debate" about the shocking (but not surprising if you had been talking to Iraqis) degradation and abuse of Iraqi prisoners in Abu Ghraib prison committed by U.S. personnel.

This included taking numerous pictures of American soldiers posing with naked Iraqi prisoners placed in degrading postures, an Iraqi prisoner with a hood over his head and wires attached to him (see above; thanks to Unfairwitness), and much more. If you missed the 60 Minutes II segment last night, when you click on the link above, you'll see a link to streaming video of part of the segment, including some pictures. You have to see it for yourselves.

The official reaction is clear. Here's the reaction from Brigadier General Mark Kimmitt, the same guy who said "95 percent" of the Iraqi casualties in Fallujah were fighters without going to a hospital or looking at a cemetery in the town:
"So what would I tell the people of Iraq? This is wrong. This is reprehensible. But this is not representative of the 150,000 soldiers that are over here," adds Kimmitt. "I'd say the same thing to the American people... Don't judge your army based on the actions of a few."
Iraqis, who have seen for themselves the conduct of American soldiers, will never believe this.

One of the abusive soldiers, Chip Frederick, sent home these messages over the months that he was posted at Abu Ghraib:
"Military intelligence has encouraged and told us 'Great job.' "

"They usually don't allow others to watch them interrogate. But since they like the way I run the prison, they have made an exception."

"We help getting them to talk with the way we handle them. ... We've had a very high rate with our style of getting them to break. They usually end up breaking within hours."
This suggests pretty clearly that torture and degrading punishment are part of standard policy, because they help to make prisoners break under interrogation.

The debate was framed as one over whether the soldiers should be punished. This shows something seriously wrong with the political culture to start with. There's obviously no excuse for these acts, even if the soldiers were ordered to perform them. The question should simply be how high up the chain of command the investigation goes and how broadly in other prison facilities.

Read More
http://www.empirenotes.org/april04.html#29apr041

US military in torture scandal

by sources Friday Apr 30th, 2004 5:06 PM

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30 April 2004 – United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan is "deeply disturbed" by images appearing in the media of Iraqi prisoners being mistreated and humiliated by United States prison guards, his spokesman said today.

The Secretary-General "hopes that this was an isolated incident and welcomes what appears to be a clear determination on the part of the US military to bring those responsible to justice, and to prevent such abuses in the future," spokesman Fred Eckhard said.
...
When asked by reporters yesterday about the programme, Mr. Eckhard said, "The kinds of things discussed there, the abuse of prisoners, could be the kind of thing that would be investigated or would be included in a report on human rights in Iraq that the Acting High Commissioner for Human Rights [Bertrand Ramcharan] said last Friday he intended to produce."

Mr. Ramcharan's remarks came at the closing session of the Commission on Human Rights, when he said he would initiate a report on rights and armed conflict in Iraq after the Commission had puzzlingly excluded it in its decisions.

"It is a perplexing and troubling omission. There must be accountability in warfare. At this point in time there is no international monitoring of the human rights situation in Iraq, whether it be in respect of terrorism or in respect of the use of force and the treatment of civilians," he said.

http://www.un.org/apps/news/story.asp?NewsID=10579&Cr=iraq&Cr1=

US military in torture scandal

by sources Friday Apr 30th, 2004 5:06 PM

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Pictures showing abuse of Iraqi prisoners have sparked shock among officials and triggered condemnation of US foreign policy.



The office of Prime Minister Tony Blair, the US strongest ally in its war in Iraq, condemned the abuses.

His comments on Friday came after an American television network broadcast images of Iraqis stripped naked, hooded and being tormented by their captors.

Read More
http://english.aljazeera.net/NR/exeres/98692C2F-8950-4298-A2D0-354B11BBC470.htm

Britain is Also Accused Of Torture

by sources Friday Apr 30th, 2004 5:06 PM

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The Ministry of Defence has launched an investigation into allegations that British soldiers have been pictured torturing an Iraqi prisoner.
The photographs, obtained by the Daily Mirror newspaper, show a suspected thief being beaten and urinated on.
Read More

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/politics/3675215.stm

More pictures and coverage of torture by British troops:
http://www.indybay.org/news/2004/04/1679001.php#1679081

General Suggests Abuses at Iraq Jail Were Encouraged

by nyt Saturday May 1st, 2004 3:47 PM

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WASHINGTON, May 1 — The Army Reserve general whose military police officers were photographed as they mistreated Iraqi prisoners said Saturday that she had been "sickened" by the pictures and had known nothing about the sexual humiliation and other abuse until weeks later.
But the officer, Brig. Gen. Janis Karpinski of the 800th Military Police Brigade, said the special high-security cellblock at the Abu Ghraib prison, west of Baghdad, where the abuses took place had been under the tight control of a separate group of military intelligence officers who had so far avoided any public blame.
In her first public comments about the brutality — which drew wide attention and condemnation after photographs documenting it were broadcast Wednesday night by CBS News — General Karpinski said that while the reservists involved were "bad people" and deserved punishment, she suspected they were acting with the encouragement, if not at the direction, of military intelligence units that ran the special cellblock used for interrogation.
Speaking in a telephone interview from her home in South Carolina, the general said military commanders in Iraq were trying to shift the blame exclusively to her and the reservists.
...
She said that the floor space of the two-story cellblock was only about 40 feet by 20 feet, and that military intelligence officers were in and out of the cellblock "24 hours a day."
"They were in there at 2 in the morning, they were at 4 in the afternoon," said General Karpinski, who arrived in Iraq last June and who was the only woman to hold a command in the war zone. "This was no 9-to-5 job."
Read More
http://www.nytimes.com/2004/05/02/international/middleeast/02ABUS.html

more pictures emerge

by wpost Thursday May 6th, 2004 9:53 AM

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The collection of photographs begins like a travelogue from Iraq. Here are U.S. soldiers posing in front of a mosque. Here is a soldier riding a camel in the desert. And then: a soldier holding a leash tied around a man's neck in an Iraqi prison. He is naked, grimacing and lying on the floor.

More Pictures And Story From The W Post
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A5623-2004May5.html
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/flash/photo/world/2004-05-03_prisonabuse/movie.htm

How this happened

by pic Thursday May 6th, 2004 12:26 PM

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A phrase reading in Arabic, 'I am the law', is written on the helmet of a US soldier as he secures the site of a car bomb explosion at a checkpoint on a bridge at the entrance of the Coalition Provisional Authority headquarters in Baghdad.(AFP/Karim Sahib)

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story2&amp...

Another 60 Min II pic

by pic Thursday May 6th, 2004 10:39 PM

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Many of the prisoners abused at the Abu Ghraib prison were innocent Iraqis, picked up at random by US troops and incarcerated by underqualified intelligence officers, a former US interrogator from the jail told the Guardian.

...

He claimed many of the detainees are "innocent of any acts against the coalition".

"One case in point is a detainee whom I recommended for release and months later was still sitting in the same tent with no change in his status."

Mr Nelson said that the same systemic problems were also responsible for large numbers of Afghans being mistakenly swept into Guantánamo Bay. He estimated that a third or more of the inmates at the controversial prison camp had no connection to terrorism.

"There are people who should never have been sent over there. I was involved in the process of reviewing people for possible release and I can say definitely that they should have been released and released a lot sooner," he said.

Such allegations have been made before by victims' families and human rights groups, but Mr Nelson's story represents the first insider's account by a US interrogator. It amounts to an indictment of a system gone awry, and contradicts claims by the White House and the Pentagon that Abu Ghraib does not represent a systemic problem.

...

"A unit goes out on a raid and they have a target and the target is not available; they just grab anybody because that was their job," Mr Nelson said, referring to counter-insurgency operations in Iraq. "The troops are under a lot of stress and they don't know one guy from the next. They're not cultural experts. All they want is to count down the days and hopefully go home.

"I've read reports from capturing units where the capturing unit wrote, 'the target was not at home. The neighbour came out to see what was going on and we grabbed him'," he said.

According to Mr Nelson's account, the victims' very innocence made them more likely to be abused, because the interrogators refused to believe they could have been picked up on such arbitrary grounds. Interrogators "weren't interested in going through the less glamorous work of sifting through the chaff to get to the kernels of truth from the willing detainees; they were interested in 'breaking' tough targets", he said.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/Iraq/Story/0,2763,1211374,00.html

Seymour Hersh: Chain Of Comman

by New Yorker Sunday May 9th, 2004 9:48 AM

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One of the new photographs shows a young soldier, wearing a dark jacket over his uniform and smiling into the camera, in the corridor of the jail. In the background are two Army dog handlers, in full camouflage combat gear, restraining two German shepherds. The dogs are barking at a man who is partly obscured from the camera’s view by the smiling soldier. Another image shows that the man, an Iraqi prisoner, is naked. His hands are clasped behind his neck and he is leaning against the door to a cell, contorted with terror, as the dogs bark a few feet away. Other photographs show the dogs straining at their leashes and snarling at the prisoner. In another, taken a few minutes later, the Iraqi is lying on the ground, writhing in pain, with a soldier sitting on top of him, knee pressed to his back. Blood is streaming from the inmate’s leg. Another photograph is a closeup of the naked prisoner, from his waist to his ankles, lying on the floor. On his right thigh is what appears to be a bite or a deep scratch. There is another, larger wound on his left leg, covered in blood.

READ MORE
http://www.newyorker.com/fact/content/?040517fa_fact2

New Pictures

by pic Thursday May 20th, 2004 11:05 AM

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Spc. Charles Graner of the 372nd Military Police Company smiles as he poses by the body of Manadel al-Jamadi, an Iraqi who died in U.S. custody at Abu Ghraib prison.

(ABCNEWS.com)

New pictures

by pic Thursday May 20th, 2004 11:06 AM

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Spc. Sabrina Harman, also of the 372nd Military Police Company, gives a thumbs-up sign by the body of Iraqi detainee Manadel al-Jamadi.
WARNING: The following graphic depictions include nudity. Viewer discretion is advised.

(ABCNEWS.com)

new pics

by new pics Friday May 21st, 2004 11:42 PM

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In this undated still photo, a naked Iraqi detainee appears to be cuffed at the ankles and covered with an unknown brownish substance under the guard of a baton-weilding U.S. soldier, inside the Abu Ghraib Prison, west of Baghdad. Hundreds of unreleased photographs and short digital videos depict U.S. soldiers using a wide variety of abusive techniques at Iraq 's Abu Ghraib prison and appearing to enjoy the mistreatment, The Washington Post reported on May 21, 2004. The new pictures and videos, which the newspaper said amplified the picture of violence in the prison and go beyond the photos previously shown in the media. Photos and videos from Abu Ghraib were presented to Army investigators in January. The images began surfacing publicly last month, severely damaging the United States' reputation in the Arab world.

new pic

by pic Friday May 21st, 2004 11:44 PM

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In this undated still photo, a hooded Iraqi detainee appears to be cuffed at the ankle and chained to a door handle, inside the Abu Ghraib Prison, west of Baghdad.

new pic

by pic Friday May 21st, 2004 11:45 PM

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In this undated still photo, a hooded Iraqi detainee appears to be cuffed at both wrists and collapsed over a rail inside the Abu Ghraib Prison, west of Baghdad.

new pic

by pic Friday May 21st, 2004 11:46 PM

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This undated still photo provided by The Washington Post on Friday, May 21, 2004, shows an unidentified U.S. soldier poised to punch a detainee at Abu Ghraib prison on the outskirts of Baghdad, as other hooded detainees lay bound at the hands.

new pic

by new pic Friday May 21st, 2004 11:48 PM

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This undated still photo made available by The Washington Post on Friday May 21, 2004, shows a U.S. soldier holding a dog in front an Iraqi detainee at Abu Ghraib prison on the outskirts of Baghdad.

another picture

by more Thursday Feb 10th, 2005 9:18 AM

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http://hammeroftruth.com/2004/06/12/dogs-authorized-at-abu-ghraib-additional-photos/

more

by another picture Thursday Feb 10th, 2005 9:20 AM

324-torture_3.jpg

http://hammeroftruth.com/2004/06/12/dogs-authorized-at-abu-ghraib-additional-photos/
or
http://www.antiwar.com/news/?articleid=2444