Since finishing up school in February of last year, my hopes have been dashed, plans went awry, and perspectives endlessly challenged. It sucks. It really does. I feel a mix of, but not necessarily simultaneously at any given time, confusion, disappointment, anxiety, self-doubt, and a loss of control, self-esteem, and confidence.
What also sucks is that I have pride. I find myself naturally wanting to appear to others that I have things under control, that I am fine, that I've got everything under cover. I swallow my pride every time I state that I am unemployed, jobless. I dont have my life under control, this voice in the back of my head will say. And I continue to lie to myself that simply "getting over" undesirable feelings and negative emotions is perfectly fine in terms of dealing with the many adverse things that come my way, that by stifling your personal issue and sweeping it under the rug, you won't have to deal with it again. But I'm getting this nagging feeling that... maybe that's not the way it works. That just continuing to sweep issue after issue under the rug doesn't really end up with them magically disappearing from your conscience and affecting your emotional well-being. That just drinking away your sorrow -- every sorrow and disappointment -- will also wash it away, never to be seen again.
Because, you know, I want to be emotionally strong. I want to be emotionally invulnerable. I don't want to be hurt, I don't want to be disappointed, and I don't want anyone -- or more, anything -- having a grip at my heart. I'm so sick of emotions. I want to be strong.
I promised myself in boot camp that I was never going to cry again. But I broke that promise several times now, with the last incident during a new church visit this past weekend.
Maybe I shouldn't try to be this way. Shenny suggested that my military experience was not a positive one for me. She may be right. In hindsight, it also seems right that my method of dealing with issues was and is unhealthy.
But I want to be emotionally strong. I don't want to become soft, even to myself. They say acknowledging that a problem exists is the first step in solving a problem... but I thought I didn't have any problems or issues? Doesn't it mean that there's an issue only if you acknowledge it?
Then why do I shed tears? Why do I feel lonely, and why do I desire warmth and unconditional acceptance? Why do I yearn for loving arms? Why do I want to be told that it's all going to be okay? Why am I on the verge of tears?
